waiting and waiting and more waiting
2005-06-23, 8:24 a.m.

Well another crappy nights sleep due to the fact that I am too anxious about this promotion to sleep. I keep having this feeling that I got it, but then I think that I might just be fooling myself. I picture them calling me in to let me know and me thinking I got it and then getting let down again. I hate this!

So Eagle and I had a nice evening. She's been mention a change in my attitude lately. She keeps trying to chaulk it up to my nerves about the job, but I told her although that might be part of it, the other part is just a change I've made. I've decided not to bottle up my anger/irritation from now on. When she does something that pisses me off, I'm telling her. If she says something I disagree with, I'm speaking up. Period. She said she's glad and that maybe that will make the difference with us and we can stay together forever that way. I didn't say much. I still can't think about forever yet.

I want to sit her down and tell her about my feelings of needing to be on my own for awhile, but I KNOW that won't go well. She will then be paranoid and will take everything I say or do against her. I've been there with her before. I don't want to go back. So, until I make a decision, I have to keep my mouth shut about it. Which sucks.

I'm trying to force myself not to think about this for awhile. Let me get past the promotion decision and just take this day by day.

I have to say though that Eagle's doing better. Aside from the month or so she had backslided, she's doing well. She's taking my comments and thoughts well. Sometimes she gets defensive, but I tell her that she's the one that has told me to tell her how I feel and I'm not going to stop. Regardless of fights or hurt feelings. My feelings need to be heard. I do think that intellectually she understands. Emotionally though she has a hard time with it.

I told her half joking last night, "if you keep it up, I'm just going to have to start hitting you." She laughed at that, but sometimes when she says something immature, hurtful, and crass just for the "joke" I do punch her the arm or leg (obviously not hard), but she doesn't get that her words are often like a punch to me. I told her I can't always come back with something that conveys the hurt to her, so I'll just have to hit her. Damn I sound like I'm becoming a wife beater!

Tonight I am going out to play bridge with some friends from work and Eagle is good with it. She did make a few guilt laden remarks, but I ignored them. She'll be fine.

That's about it. Time to get to work and wait for that call to tell me my future.

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