dreams of MyEx
2006-01-04, 1:22 p.m.

Okay, two nights in a row now I've dreamed of MyEX and woke up missing her badly. When does that stop? I mean come on, it's been two years. It's pissing me off. She's not worth my love, so why do I continue to feel it? I can deny it over and over and over and over again, but it's still there. Right below the surface. The only difference is, now I know that it can never work with us. But the feelings are all still there. It's just not fair.

So both nights in my dreams, she and I were "stuck" somewhere together. We barely speak, but we keep making eye contact, and her eyes are so beautiful that my heart flips every time, just like it did in real life. Sigh.

I figure maybe if I talk it out, I'll stop having these dreams of her. Maybe I'll stop missing her like I do.

Eagle is doing good, I guess. I don't know anymore. She knows just what to say all the time to put me at ease, but her actions speak volumes in the other direction. Well not really, it's so muddled anymore. She went four days with no ephedra, then went and took money out of her account this morning and bought some. I confronted her, she apologized and then some, and now what? I can keep being mad or not. What's there to be mad at anyway? It's her body, it's her life. If she ends up pissing away this relationship for a box of pills then that's her choice.

I do love her though. I love her more and more every day. She and I get to a new level of intimacy every day too and I enjoy it. I love knowing someone so well, I love someone knowing me that well too. I love so many things about her and about our life together. Just wish there wasn't a "but" on the end of that sentence.

Lately I've realized that I wish I'd have gone to law school. I enjoy the law, I have a mind for it too. I know it's not too late, but I think I'm too damn lazy. That sucks. Not that I don't enjoy what I'm doing, I really do, but being an attorney would have been cool.

Okay back to the work that I love so much!

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