Year four of being motherless
2006-01-09, 12:22 p.m.

I woke up this morning and it was light out and I new I was in trouble. For some reason, my alarm did not go off this morning. I woke up at 8:10! Yeah, so it's been one of those days. I made it to work by 10:00 a.m. But I feel like I can't get caught up, you know?

So this weekend was rough. Eagle got it into her brain on Saturday that she wanted to "have a few drinks." We argued, screamed, yelled, etc. I refused to buy it for her, told her I'd leave if she went to to the store to get it. She went to the store, and I left, and then I realized that she had my cell phone, and I had nowhere to go. So I went home. She was there when I go there. I told her that I was not happy about this whatsoever. Then I let it go because what else can I do?

I was already having a bad day anyway, it was the four year anniversary of my mother's death and my step father, who did not call me on Thanksgiving, did not call me on my Birthday, did not call me on Christmas, did not call me on New Year's, calls me to tell me what day it was Saturday. I was feeling lonely, and sad, and I made a stupid call and decided if I couldn't beat Eagle, then I might as well join her, and proceed to shot about five shots of vodka on an empty stomach and got toasted. Soon I was bawling on the floor and Eagle, who did not even get a chance to get the buzz she was chasing was beside herself seeing me fall apart. She held me, and let me cry, and I sobbed. I let it all out. And she held me and she rocked me and she was there for me, like no one ever has been in my life. And then she dumped the rest of the bottle out.

She promised me she'd go to some AA meetings this weekend, we'll see if she follows through on that or not, but she was there for me in the long run on Saturday and I love her even more than I did for that.

Sunday we both spent a quiet and subdued day watching movies and just being lazy.

The one thing that kept going through my mind on Saturday when I was crying over my mom, and crying over the fact that EVERY SINGLE man in my life has been an idiot, was that it wasn't supposed to be like this. My mom was supposed to be there until I was old. She would be a grandma to my children, and just be there until her 80's or 90's. It just wasn't supposed to be this way. She was everything I had in this world. Everything. And she left and she left me with these men, and uncle, a father, a step father, who are the most insensitive jerks on the planet.

Most days I can just deal, but sometimes, it gets the better of me, and Saturday was that day.

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