hope
2004-03-23, 9:03 a.m.

Well I'm doing better today. I talked to MyLove yesterday about a million times. Odd that she can call me a hundred times a day when she thinks I'm about to break up with her.

I really thought I was going to break up with her too. I expected to get her usual response of anger and challenge, but she didn'tdo that. She sounded scared, she told me that she loves me with all her heart and that maybe she becomes complacent, but she doesn't want to lose me. She even said she'd walk down the street naked holding a rainbow flag if that would keep me.

She made me laugh, she calmed me down, and I really didn't think it was going to be possible for her to do that. I thougt I was at the end, but apparently I've got a little bit left in me to try.

I asked her what advice she would give me if she were my friend viewing our relationship from the outside. She told me she'd tell her to "put up or shut up." Meaning, I should go find a house for us to buy, and tell her either do this with me now or let go. I'm not positive that is what I'll do, but I got her point.

I love her very much, but sometimes I wonder if we truly are meant to be. As someone once wisely said, I tend to settle for the crumbs she gives me. Its like I'm supposed to feel greatful that she loves me and wants to be with me. But that's up to me to change.

I'm still apprehensive, I won't lie. But I do love her and I am happy with our talks yesterday. I'm happy that she didn't resort to name calling and angry outbursts. She spoke to me like someone who didn't want to lose the one she loves, with honesty, and with compassion.

Maybe there's hope for us yet.

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