full circle
2005-03-23, 10:08 a.m.

This totally sucks. Since they have come down so damn hard on internet usage I can�t even type my entry. So I�m writing this in word perfect and then I�m going to risk logging on for the few minutes it�ll take to up load this. But they are truly getting ridiculous. Since bossbitch has taken over this position she has made one employee quit, fired another, and suspended the other three. That only leaves me, and she has hounded me as I have often written in here, but luckily (knock on wood) I�ve not been �disciplined.�

So last night was pretty good. Eagle is still kind of pissy lately, but trying hard not to be. I�m not feeling very well. In fact I�m trying not to let it freak me out, but I have this �feeling� that there�s something terribly wrong in my body. It�s not like me to feel that way either. Maybe it�s just getting older and feeling new aches and pains, maybe it�s the exercise regimen we�ve been on, I don�t know. But I don�t feel well. I�m tired all the time, my joints hurt, my limbs ache at times, I�ve had terrible menstrual cramps that I�ve never had before, and it all just sucks. I guess I need to go in for a physical and find out what�s up, but I don�t want to.

So I mentioned that Eagle fucked up royally on Saturday right? Turns out she apologized to our friends for it, and they were gracious, but didn�t spare her feelings. They told her that she made them uncomfortable. I�m glad that they did that. She needs to hear it.

She and I have had several discussions about this weekend. She claims I wasn�t �there� for her during her �sadness.� I told her that it�s funny how she always needs me the most after she fucks up. I said I love her, but I won�t condone her behaviors, and to me comforting her after she fucks up is condoning her behavior. So no, I wasn�t there for her, nor will I be in the future for things such as that. The shitty part of it was, I really was there for her. I took care of her all day on Sunday, and she knows that. I just wasn�t telling her �aww it�s okay baby.....you didn�t mean to do it....it�s not your fault....no really you were fine on Saturday....I can�t understand why anyone would be upset with you....no really you can buy as much pot as you want....etc.� So she felt like a schmuck and hated that I wouldn�t talk her out of feeling like a schmuck. Too bad so sad, don�t act like a jackass then. But instead of maturity kicking in and seeing her actions for what they were and understanding why I might be feeling the way I was, she tried turning it on me. She got mad as hell at me because she asked me to clean her side of the bedroom (which was trashed) and I sighed when she asked me to do it. That�s it. She went on and on and on and on about how hurt her feelings were because she does all the cooking for both of us, and makes me lunch and why did I have to act so put out, blah blah blah. I told her that her timing was extremely bad to ask me to do something for her....I felt that I had already done a great deal for her and I was still angry about her behavior the night before so yeah I did feel put out that she had the nerve to ask me to clean up her pig sty of a nightstand. Call me selfish if you must! So at least I saw her shit for what it was.....a diversion. Just wish she would admit it, but so far, no.

I�ve decided that if we are going to a party of our friends in the future, she is not allowed to drink, or I�m not going. Period. If she wants to get together with HER immature friends and get trashed, fine. I won�t be attending the gathering, but she�s welcome to do that. But from now on I won� t be embarrassed again. The worst part of it, to me, is that her actions and the things she said, made it seem as if her whole life is just about getting drunk and high and partying. Yeah that might have been the point of her life in the past, but it�s not anymore. And, the way she says it, makes me look like the dumbest idiot on the face of the earth. That I just support her habits and let her do whatever she wants and I don�t know, it made me feel like an idiot. I know, and she knows, that our relationship is NOT like that. It�s not all about her being drunk or messed up. She is rarely messed up anymore, but the way she painted it, I�m just the dumb bitch who supports her habits. It made feel like shit and I told her so. She had no argument to that. I know she realizes she hurt me. Just wish she�d get to the maturity level where she would actually apologize for it. I know she will eventually, she�s getting there.

So that�s what�s been rumbling around in my brain. She and I are fine for the most part. She�s still feeling distanced from me, I think it�s more in her own brain than because of my actions. For my part, I�ve tried to let it go without condoning....that�s a hard thing to do.

It truly is a cycle. Things go great for awhile, then she decides to get wasted, I get upset by it, she gets upset that I�M upset, she gets mad at me, then she gets quiet and sullen for awhile, then we get over it and move on. That�s the cycle. I have to say that the time in between the repeats of the cycle have gotten longer and the cycle itself has gotten shorter, but it�s still happening. I wonder if it�s just something I�ll have to choose to live with. My partner ties one on every couple of months and I just deal with it. I just know that the entire time we were at the poker party....which by the way I won first place....I was wishing that she was the person I know she is on a daily basis. She is funny and warm and smart and wonderful sober....why can�t SHE see that? I was missing that person the whole night. I tried to tell her that, but she doesn�t believe me. She thinks that the only way she can be fun is if she�s drunk. It�s so not true. In fact it�s the complete opposite. But maybe the more folks that she respects that tell her so, she�ll start to believe it. I don�t know.

The ex-husband called me today. He says I really messed him up. He can�t love anyone else. I feel so bad for him sometimes. I truly do. I wish that I could help him, but I can�t. I feel guilty for breaking his heart and I feel sad that I never knew during our marriage how he really felt about me. I never thought that he loved me like that. We had grown so far apart sexually that I felt like I was mostly just his best friend. Not his lover, his soulmate. I do wish that Eagle could get over her jealousy of he and I being friends. I would love to stay in his life. Maybe she will eventually I don�t know. I just know that right now, it�s easier not to be friends with him than to argue about it with her all the time. That�s shitty to say I know, but it�s the truth. It�s always during the aftermath of these �cycles� that I start to reevaluate my life and my purpose and it�s hard to say �I�m right were I am meant to be� during these times. I crave for my independence again. Not to say that I�m unhappy where I am, because I really am not. I just miss my independence. In fact I could probably have more independence now if I fought for it, but I�m too tired to fight for it. And I don�t feel good...and work sucks....and now I�ve come full circle in this entry. I good place to stop.

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