Not settling
2005-03-31, 8:31 a.m.

I'm doing well today. Got up, it's a beautiful day out, sun was shining, can't see my breath when I breathe, and spring is here. At least for now.

I'm feeling very optimistic today. Eagle and I had some more productive discussion last night. She still did not apologize for the Burger King thing, but she heard me and I think she saw my point on it at least.

Thanks for those that offered their opinion. I figured that I was not off my rocker, but sometimes a reality check is in order. Despite the rough patches Eagle and I go through, she's been the most romantic, the most thoughtful at times, the sweetest person I've ever been in a relationship with. She has put me to shame a few times. After being married for 10 years to a man who was not romantic in the slightest, I had lost my desire to do nice, sweet, romantic things. But slowly those notions are coming back, with every love note Eagle leaves me, with every cute email she sends, and every thoughful gesture she does. And she does all of those things daily.

I can't agree with the idea that I am settling with her. Okay yes, I'm settling for someone who has an addiction problem. But I'm also settling for someone who loves me like none other, who takes care of me better then I could have ever dreamed of. Could I find someone who works and doesn't have an addiction problem? Sure. Could I find someone like that who also loves me the way Eagle does, inspires me the way she does, cherishes me like she does? I don't think so.

But regardless, I love her. I'm not going anywhere. I really want this to work. So the notion of leaving is really not even in my voccabulary anymore. I see her struggle and try every single day. Her family and her friends say they have NEVER seen her happier, more alive, more grown up, you name it. She has done more in the past year to improve herself and her life than she has all her life. That means a great deal to me.

Maybe I'm a sucker for the hard cases, I don't know. Maybe I need that sense of pride in watching someone overcome their problems. Whatever it is, it drew me to her despite being completely aware of her problems from the get go. I don't regret that. I'm happy and I plan to stay with her just so long as she continues on the path she is on.

There truly is something to be said for having a lover, friend, mate, who can know how you feel in a glance, can answer your question with a look, and you actually gives a damn about how you feel when you're sad, or happy, or frustrated. I've never ever had that. I'm not going to give that up.

What I will do though is VENT on occassion about her neurotic, unrealistic, childish behaviors; ask for reality checks and validation for myself; and gush about the sweet and romantic stuff she does at times.

Now with the smell of spring coming in from my office window, I will get my butt in gear and get to work.

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