long entry about a fight
2003-04-03, 10:18 a.m.

Can we say fight? Yes we can and yes we did!! We fought. Why? Because I finally got sick of her childish tantrums. Last night after I got home from work we decided to take her computer in to get fixed. While I was busy getting the computer ready to go she was looking, yet again, for some money she put in the drawer. She couldn't find it. So she started throwing everything that was in the drawer out on to the floor. At that moment I lost it. I picked it all up and chucked it on to the stove. She said, "what's your problem?" I said, "I'm sick of your fucking tantrums!" And from that point on...it was on.

We fought all the way out to the computer place, at the computer place we managed to be civil, but not without some under the breath comments. We fought on the way home and that is when we finally got to the bottom of it all. I apologized for calling her a snobby bitch (which I did do) and she apologized for taking out her stress on me. I did cry somewhat, but basically I was crying out of frustration and the feeling that it seems I might never find someone who can treat me the way that I treat them.

After we made up, MyLove pointed out a song on the radio about a couple who say they should just give up and stop trying to work things out. She said that would end up being our theme song someday. I know that she wanted me to say, "oh baby that won't happen to us" or something like that, but I didn't. I listened to the song and then after she'd asked me what I thought about it several times. I finally said that I understood where the person who wrote that song was coming from. I then told her that we have two choices. We can say that this relationship is too much work and we should give up on it, or we can say that anything worthwhile in life is worth the work. She said, something to the effect that she'll look at her way, and I'll look at it my way. I have a feeling though that she was really wondering where I was at that moment. I think I may have proven my point that I will not allow her to walk all over me. She may not like that, but she's going to have to learn to live with it.

Last night I told her that I can appreciate that she has been under stress from taking care of the dog, and other little things that have added up to make things difficult, but that it was not fair of her to take it out on me and that I don't deserve it. She originally stated that if I don't like it then I should just move on, cause that's the way she is, and she's not going to change for anyone. But later she changed that to, it'll take some time for her to change that. And I told her I've got the time, but I won't sit back and take it.

I think I handled the whole night well. I really was tempted a couple of times to tell her to pack her shit and get out. That kind of scares me, because I know that I wouldn't have meant it. That's why I didn't say it. It would have only been for shock purposes. I am a bit afraid of what her reaction would be. I think initially she'd say "fine" off the cuff with no hesitation. I think that eventually after we made up, she wouldn't move out, but I'm not positive of that. So....I didn't say it. And hell, I shouldn't say things I don't mean anyway, right?

Did I mean that she was acting like a snobby bitch last night when I said it? Yes I did. And she was acting like that. And she does act snobby sometimes. She makes me feel like I'm less than her because I don't have as much money in the bank, or don't drive a nice car, or have name brand clothes and stuff. So, yes, sometimes she can be snobby. As far as the bitch goes, yes I felt like she was acting like a bitch, but I didn't think she WAS a bitch, and I tried to explain to her, but she was really offended by it. I apologized, but jeez...she's offended cause I said she was acting like a bitch....but i'm not supposed to be upset by all the bullshit she says and does to me?

The whole time we argued she kept trying to make it seem like I point out all her bad points all the time.

I told her that it is difficult to argue with someone without pointing out the behaviors of the other person that are pissing you off. But in reality I really don't think I was pointing out all her bad qualities. The only thing I mentioned was that I didn't feel I deserved to be treated like shit when things don't go her way....that was my point, and that is what I stuck to.

In the back of my mind I wanted to throw out the whole EXfromHell shit so bad....SOOOO BAD...but I didn't. Which is good. But why can't she see that I am a good person who doesn't deserve her shit! I know, I know, she probably does see that, but doesn't want to admit it. What am I going to do? I don't know. I love her very much, but I'm tired of getting the shit end of the stick all the time! I'm tired of being the fall guy for her tantrums, her inability to commit, her games, whatever....

Why can't somebody just love me, the way that I love them? Isn't that what they teach you in church? Do unto others as you'd have done unto you? That is how I live my life. Why doesn't anyone else? What do I have to do to find someone who will love me all the time, will not take out their problems on me, will not take advantage of me and my love, will not take me for granted, will not lie to me, will not snap at me, will just love me...purely and simply?

I want so much to have someone rub my back without me asking, hold me in their arms and kiss my hair, whisper in my ear that they love me, give me a massage, rub my feet, bring me my favorite snack food just for the hell of it, send me an email just to say they love me, curl up to me in bed, carress my body, kiss me all over....these are the things I do for her on a regular basis...but I get none of these in return, or at least very rarely. And the thing that sucks is, I don't want to stop giving her these things because she doesn't return the favor, that's not why I do them. But I DO WANT these things....is that wrong?

Damn I want a cigarette bad right now, but I quit smoking this morning. Good luck with that...yeah right.

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