she never fails to surprise me
2004-04-06, 9:18 a.m.

Just when I think she can't surprise me, she does. Just when I think it's over she does something that just blows me away and makes me rethink it all.

Last night I was angry. I was mad that MyLove KNEW that I was already upset with the fact that she was going to be taking TheExFromHell to the hospital for her surgery. She had told me the day before that she would not have Monday off. So, when I didn't hear from her all Sunday night, all day Monday, and then into Monday evening, I was mad. I called the house and was told by the TheExFromHell's daughter that MyLove was sleeping and that she didn't have to work that night. That was it. I was so hurt that she finally had a night off and she didn't even bother to tell me. So I shut my phone off and I went to a friend's house.

I tried to enjoy my evening as best I could. Fighting the urge to call MyLove, or to go home and wait for her to call. Finally around 10:30 I decided I needed to go home.

All the way home I wondered if MyLove even had called me by now. Or was she still sleeping? Never in my wildest dreams did I think that when I pulled up to my house, she would be there waiting for me. But she was.

I could tell that she had not been awake all that long. Her hair was still messed up from sleeping. She said she was worried about me. She needed to come make sure I was okay.

She didn't yell, I didn't yell. We talked. I told her about my feelings lately of not being sure that I still love her the same. My fears that we aren't meant for each other. She let me talk, she understood, she empathized, she was really great.

It floored me. Now I'm feeling better today. Still not completely sure how I feel about her anymore. Are the intense feelings of love I had for her, buried somewhere? Are the gone, never to return? I just don't know. I do know that I love her. I will always love her. But beyond that....it's still up in the air for me right now. But one thing is for sure, I feel much better having had the talk with her about it.

She's off for the next couple of days. I plan to enjoy spending time with her and see what happens.

Mostly I'm afraid that it's too late....but then again I suppose that's all up to me.

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