emotions
2004-05-13, 9:05 a.m.

Last night as I lay in bed, starting to drift off to sleep, I thought of something poignant to say. But now, I've forgetten it. Must not have been all that poignant.

I know that it had to do with my mom. Lately I've been wondering what she was like to her peers. I knew her as mother, role model, hero, but not as a woman. As an adult.

I wonder how much like her I am. Did she think the same way as me? Did she get scared of the same things? Angry at the same things? I wish I could talk to her now. Have a heart to heart talk. I feel deprived of that.

I spent the last few years of her life trying to deny that she was as sick as she was, then spent the first two years after her death angry with her for giving up. Now, I'm starting to feel the sadness and the loss. I've got many emotions circling in my head lately.

I think I spent the last year and a half channeling all these emotions into my love for MyExLove. Now that she's not there, I'm starting to feel so many things, like fear, anger, loss, grief, and it's overwhelming sometimes.

I guess I need to feel these things to get past them, but it's not fun. I'm thankful that I've got someone in my life now who lets me speak of my feelings, doesn't make me feel like I'm weak for feeling them, doesn't try to dissuade me from feeling them.

I know I must sound depressed as hell, but I'm not really. Overall, I'm happy. Sometimes I feel the weight of these emotions and it gets uncomfortable, but I've learned enough of myself now to know what it is. And more importantly to identify what is causing the pressure and move out of it. I've come a long way.

I wonder if my mom would be proud.

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