taking things in stride
2004-05-14, 8:21 a.m.

Well its finally Friday. This week hasn't been too bad, minus last night. What happened last night you might ask? Well Eagle decided that because she went grocery shopping and her pin number on her card did not work, she should just go buy a bottle of vodka and get drunk. Simple as that.

Based on her history of drinking, stories of her drinking, the fact that she takes way too much medication to be drinking, and all the stories I've heard from EVERYONE who's ever seen her drunk, I freaked out.

She knows that the ONE thing I will not tolerate is her drinking. Yet, she seems to want to push that. And each time she does, I push right back. This is the second time in a week that she has done that. I told her last night that I won't tolerate it. I will NEVER give her "permission" to drink and if she chooses to continue with that coping mechanism, then I will leave. She feels that since I've never actually seen her get mean when she's drunk that I have no reason to be fearful of it. I told her it doesn't matter if I've seen it or not, I never ever want to see it.

I don't ask much of her. Actually the only thing I really do ask of her is not to drink. She still smokes pot daily, she still isn't looking for work, she's still not giving her all into the housecleaning, but all of these things I can deal with. Drinking, I cannot.

So, last night was the first night that I really contemplated leaving. And the sad part is, it's only been a month. But I can guarantee, I've been through way too much in past relationships to let this one drag me down. If I get to the point where I am unhappy, I'll walk.

What I discovered last night in the midst of my anger and disappointment was, I am pretty damn strong. I have the ability to not take any shit and I didn't. I also don't have a fear anymore of being alone.

I love Eagle dearly, and most days, everything is great. More than great. Maybe I'm overreacting to the drinking because it's true, I've never seen her mean when she's drunk. But I can't deny the basic gut feeling within me that demands that I not be around her if she's drinking. So I'm going to follow my gut. It's taken me this long in my life just to learn how to hear my gut instincts, its about time I start following them.

In the meantime, I'm insisting that she start taking her anabuse....I realize she has a problem, she realizes she has a problem, her therapists realize it too, that is why they've prescribed it. Hopefully, she can start to learn some new coping mechanisms.

I can't seem to end this entry. I don't want it to sound as worrysome as it is. I really am happier in this relationship then I've ever been in any relationship, ever. I know that most people would say, don't get involved with her, walk away now. But I can't. I love her. I've loved her for a long time now. Am I falling into the "savior" role? Maybe, a little. But I'm aware of it, and actively keeping myself from believing that I can save her. And reminding myself, that I can only offer her support in her own efforts to modify her behaviors and response to stress.

So yeah I logically know all the healthy responses, and I think I'm handling this pretty well. In the end, I'm in charge of me. I'll never give that up again. If I have to walk I away, I will. But I don't give up that easy, and I don't want to give up this person that has finally shown me the love and affection that I have craved all my life. So for now, I'm going to relax, take things in stride and see how it goes.

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