Still yucky
2005-05-24, 1:09 p.m.

It ocurred to me last night that Eagle is never going to see reality for reality. She only sees what she thinks is real. And it's really fucking annoying.

How can this person be so damn intelligent and so damn stupid at the same time? How can she say she understands me, and yet act like she doesn't? It's just bullshit and I don't know how much more I can take.

My every waking hour is spent either at work, or coddling her. That is ALL I do. There is no me. There is no going shopping for clothes alone. There is no going to visit friends alone. There is no sitting in a room alone! The only time I get to myself is the few minutes I have when getting ready for work in the morning. That is it. Even my lunch hour is consumed with talking to her on the phone most of the time.

Everytime I think we're getting somewhere, we're not. Yeah, she's maturing in a lot of ways, but if she keeps smothering me, the flame will go out. I will move on. I can't live like this forever. I need to breath. I need to have selfish days now and then. I need to feel like I have some say in my life. I don't right now.

On top of that, I feel old. I feel like my life is slipping away. I want to have kids but I'm 35 now. How could I possibly have children with Eagle? She's enough for me to handle, I have no time or energy left for a child. I have no time or energy left for myself, or so it feels.

Why can't I pound this into her head? Will she ever GET IT? God I sure hope so.

I don't want to leave this relationship, but I will if that is what has to happen. I won't live like this forever.

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