I've got a plan
2005-05-26, 9:15 a.m.

Well I'm here on four hours of sleep. Had a bag packed last night, but no where to go. So this morning I made a phone call, and now I have a place to go if need be. That's a relief.

Eagle was an ass last night, drinking again. I'm pretty close to making up my mind to leave. She was very cruel last night and I wanted to leave so badly. But it was heartbreaking to realize I had no where to go. So I caved, I went up to bed and tried to play nice. Then I started thinking of the great times and great love we've shared and I rolled over and asked her to hold me. She was an ass, but she did it. This morning I tried to hold her again and she bitched about waking her up. I think she's sabotaging herself and I'm helpless to stop it.

I feel bad for her, but there's a bigger part of me who feels worse for me. I don't deserve what she dishes out whether it's her or her addictions cuasing it, I don't deserve it.

I'm going to try and stick it out for a few more weeks and see how it goes. I'm going to impress upon her the need for her to get some kind of treatment. I am also going to get in touch with an alanon group for myself.

In the meantime I'm going to try and save as much as I can from my next few pays, I've got a place lined up I can go to 24/7 if need be.

I'm just so very disappointed that Eagle came so far, and then crashed back down to the bottom just like that. It has put reality into my brain that says, this is what you have to look forward to forever. The next relapse, the next bender, the next abuse, the next denial of abuse, the next....I don't want to live waiting for the next thing to happen.

I'm not sitting here saying I know that I'm going for sure. I would be the person that I am if I didn't still have a flicker of hope within me that she will turn around. But it's pretty dim.

She kept saying last night, "we've had a over a year of happiness, and you're going to leave me over one week of bad?" But somewhere along the line, the guilt over that statement left me and I told her, "I don't deserve to be treated like this for even one second, let alone a week." And that's the truth of it. I don't deserve it, no matter what. And six months of good times, does not justify four or five days of mental and verbal abuse. Though she just can't see it that way.

There's a huge part of me ready to leave. Ready to get back out on my own, be independent, and frankly single. I've been so disillusioned about love over the past few years. I'm having serious doubts that love is truly possible. But that's for another entry.

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