sleeping with the devil
2004-05-28, 9:17 a.m.

I need to vent more. I can't describe how this feels right now. It's almost like I'm torn between two people, but they are the same person.

One person who is the most loving person in the world. This womyn who is there for me when I need her. Pampers me. Is this knowledgable, intellectual, wonderful, caring, generous person.

And then the other person who takes four pills that fuck her up to the point where she doesn't know which way is up. And suddenly she's this childish, idiotic, assinine creature that I have no desire to be around.

The good news is the wonderful person is around 90% of the time. And all is great. Life is good. I see a future. I see love and happiness forever.

And then bam....four pills later and I'm left with this person I've grown to resent for taking my wonderful one away. Even if it is only one day ever few weeks.

Why do I feel so selfish? Why is it so bad for me to say that it is unacceptable to me?

Why do I have to love that wonderful one so damn much? Why can't she just be that person without substances?

It almost feels as if mind altering drugs are her mistress. I feel betrayed, cheated on even.

And now, I must finish me day at work, a long 8 hours feeling this cold seeping into my heart. Longing for my wonderful person to be there. To take me into her arms and tell me it'll all be okay.

I gotta say, if anything, this relationship is a challenge and a huge learning experience.

But I'm dealing with a devil called addiction....and it seems as if the devil may always win. Does that mean that I'll be sleeping with the devil forever?

I sure hope not.

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