same shit different day
2003-06-06, 8:19 a.m.

Last night....hmmmm....I find it difficult to talk about what happened last night. I think that is because I'm ashamed. I'm angry with myself for letting her get to me and then accepting her sweet smile and bright blue eyes back into my heart. I'm ashamed that I don't have the strength to tell her to fuck off.

We talked again. Seems we've been talking so much, but what does it accomplish?

She said all the same things she always says. I told her I deserve better. She agreed. She made me promise that if things don't work out with us that I'll never be with anyone who won't love me like I deserve to be loved. She said she'd kick their ass, even if it meant kicking her own ass.

What it comes down to is the only thing keeping me in this relationship is the overwhelming love I have for her. I told her that I can't believe that we could find our true love only to find out that we're not compatible. I said that with a love like ours it's worth making adjustments in ourselves to become more compatible.

I didn't cry. I didn't even get angry. I stated again how very close I am to leaving this relationship. She wanted to know how close is close. I said I couldn't estimate. But I told her if TheExfromHell becomes an issue again, that will push me over. I told her that I feel I've given 110% support on that subject and I'm done. She said she can't get over the guilt feelings associated with breaking up with the ex. I told her she has to get over it. I said That EVERYONE breaks up with someone at least once in their life. I told her if she doesn't let it go, it's going to be one of the causes of our breakup and that would be a shame.

She told me that no matter what happens with us, she'll always be in love with me. I feel the same way. I guess I don't ever see a time when I won't be in love with her...and that scares me. How could I ever let someone else in my heart if she is still there?

In the end, I told her to get her head out of her ass, look around and see that she's got a wonderful woman, two beautiful dogs, a great job, a nice house, and an overall great life that people would die for. I told her she needs to be happy with what she's got and stop wondering what she might be missing.

After all of it though....I expect we'll go through it again and again and again.

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