that's the way it is
2005-06-15, 9:39 a.m.

Well, again we had a nice evening. We still both seem to be hesitant with each other, but I do feel the connection stirring again. I, however, have made it known and clear that I am going to be more demanding than I have, more vocal about hurts and slights, and she is going to have to deal with that.

So far, she just gets defensive, but I know that she hears me. And I'm going to keep being vocal and she's going to keep having to hear me. I've come to that point in this relationship where I've got nothing to lose. I don't care if I upset her with my needs, wants, and desires. If she can't handle it, I'll leave. Simple as that. Almost as if I'm looking for a reason.

Last night we talked about the fact that I don't like her comments about my weight even if they are said in jest. I also told her that I need/want more physical intimacy. I told her she used to give me massages all the time, now I have to beg to get a five minute crappy rub, yet I give her great massages several times a week. I also told her that I don't want her on xanax and I plan to tell the doctor exactly why.

Yes, this is the way I am going to be and she can call me crabby, bitchy, whatever she wants, but this is me now....love it or leave it.

I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore. I refuse to be a pushover anymore. Give me a reason to leave, go head and see what happens. I dare ya.

Okay so that's probably not the healthiest attitude, but it is what I'm feeling right now, healthy or not.

Eagle went on and on last night about how her whole family, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. all told her to be careful not to lose me. That I've been the best thing for her, and yadda yadda yadda. It's not that I'm not flattered, I am, but it just adds more guilt to my heart. If I do leave, that's just more people I'll be disappointing. I know, I shouldn't care, shouldn't let that bother me, shouldn't let that stop me. But it will nonetheless.

I've decided that provided Eagle stays clean for the next few months, I'm going to just stay with her and see how it goes. At least that way I can say that I tried, even when the times were good, to make it work. Right? Besides with this pending promotion hanging over my head, I've got too much stress just thinking about that, and if I get the job, then I'll have that to keep me distracted for awhile. I don't need to add breaking up and moving to it. At least that's how I'm justifying it.

Well that's about it for now.

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