unhappiness
2005-06-14, 8:46 a.m.

I'm still feeling trapped. I wish it would go away, but it's not. I know that leaving Eagle would not cause the destruction of the world, but it would cause the destruction of her and I don't know if I can do that to her.

I keep hoping that my feelings of wanting my freedom will go away. But they aren't.

I want to come home from work to an empty place. Toss my keys on the counter. Check what I'm going to have for dinner. Throw a load of clothes in the wash. Go for a walk. Put on a movie of my choice. Take a hot bath before bed. Turn off all the lights and climb in to bed, and fall asleep in pitch darkness with no noise. That is what I want to do.

I can't have that with Eagle. Eagle requires constant attention. Constant feedback. Constant everything!

It wouldn't be so hard to pack up and leave. I know that. The hard part is telling her. That's what I can't seem to bring myself to do.

I tried to broach the subject of my unhappiness last night, but right away she takes it so hard, and she starts justifying herself, and explaining things away, and before I knew I was backpeddaling because I didn't want to hear anymore.

What the hell am I going to do? Does anybody have a magice ray gun that can point to me and all my stuff and just zap me out of there?

Thing is, she's doing good again too. But I think maybe the past few weeks have just caused too much damage. I can't get those feelings back no matter what I do. At least not yet.

Until I can get my nerve and strength up to just do it, I'm stuck, so I might as well try and make it the best I can. I don't hate her, and I do love her, I just don't have those "in love" feelings for her anymore. I have no patience for her. Oh hell. Life sucks sometimes.

But the good news is, they posted the job that my boss was hinting at. I turn in my resume today. Wish me luck!

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