the party is over
2005-06-13, 8:38 a.m.

Well the anniversary party went off without a hitch! Thank God it is over.

I worked very hard, but not as hard as Eagle. She got up at 7:30 yesterday and went to her mom's to set up. She let me sleep in and take my time getting ready which I thought was really sweet.

She did seem to get depressed at the party though. I think part of it is that her mom just wasn't very complimentary of the hard work that Eagle had done. I think her mom underestimates just how hard things are STILL for Eagle. But because she's not getting drunken phone calls at 2:00 a.m.; and the police are not calling her; and she doesn't have to come over and make sure Eagle is eating, getting out of bed, cleaning, etc., she just thinks (or so it seems) that Eagle is just magically cured. But she's not. As I well know. So I don't think that she gives Eagle the credit for working as hard as she does at keeping herself in check (as much as she does).

I think Eagle's mom has been chipped away by Eagle for the past 34 years and she has reached a point where she maintains a safe and comfortable emotional distance from her, and I can't blame her. I told Eagle that too, and she agreed.

I haven't made any decisions about leaving or staying right now. Eagle is doing good, we are a bit distance and I can't help but think that is our own protective layers cushioning us from a fall.

I still don't have the earth quaking love for her that I had. Onley time will tell if those feelings come back or not.

But we got along great, she's taken her antabuse without complaint, witnessed by me, every day for the past week. So I know that she can't/won't drink any time soon.

As far as the Xanax goes, I want it gone. I am going to tell her doctor that I don't like it, and I don't like how she is with it. I think that it makes her depressed, and I she craves more and more of it. We've get to go a day where she only took one as prescribed. I know I'm the one that doles out the meds, and I wish I was stronger at saying no when she asks for more, but I'm not. But regardless, I don't like the stuff, she says it helps her calm down the thoughts in her head, helps her to slow herself down. Which maybe true, but at what cost? She is cranky, depressed, and constantly craving more of it....which is worse?

Well that's about it for now. I'm glad the party is over and we can relax for a bit. I just have to wait and see how things go.

I still have that craving for freedom. I wish in some ways that Eagle was mentally healthy enough for me to tell her that I'd like to move out on my own and still see her, but I know she would never ever deal with that. It's all or nothing with her, and before I cut that tie I need to know within me that I am prepared to cut her out of my life completely and totally and I can't answer yes to that yet.

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