For me
2005-06-10, 8:17 a.m.

So it's a new day. Yesterday I was so ready to give up and walk away. I felt defeated and lost. Today, I feel better. Much better.

Part of the reason is because that job that my boss mentioned to me might be posted....was posted. I am so excited, I see endless possibilities if I got that job. It would be a career that I never thought I'd have without finishing college. It is something that I would look forward to doing everyday, not to mention it comes with a really great salary.

The other reason for my mood lift is Eagle. I know that she is an addict and addicts will say what they think you want to hear, but it's still nice to hear. We have agreed that she will take her antabuse in front of me everyday. So far so good on that. Last night she let me do my own thing while she cooked and puttered in the kitchen. I watched a movie, I watched a show that she would think stupid, and I enjoyed my evening.

Of course I'm realistic. I realize that at any time she could fall of the wagon again and I know that I have very little tolerance for that at this time. Eagle knows this as well.

I realize that I've been too lax with her. I've let her get her way too much and too often and have grown to resent it. I'm changing that. During this I realized that I cannot expect her to give me a happy relationship. I need to make it happen for me. If that means an argument from her in the process, so be it, I've got nothing to lose.

I am fearful that my feelings for her are slipping away. I'm afraid that things will go well and we'll settle back down and she'll be good, and yet I'll still be unhappy because the love is gone. Hopefully it comes back the way it was, but if not, well I'll have to decided then. But I know damn well I don't want to live in a loveless relationship for the rest of my life.

But that's all neither here nor there. For this moment, I am happy and I am willing to see where it goes. Some people may think I'm nuts, but it is what I have to do, for me.

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