What is it?
2005-06-17, 9:08 a.m.

Well it's Friday. It's payday and yes I am broke. Broke. Broke. And it pisses me off. I'm so fucking sick of being broke even on payday, it's not even funny.

I've been sitting her thinking if only I was single. I'd have my rent, my utilities, my car payment, and my one credit card bill, and that would be it. I'd be laughing. I'd have money in the bank. I'd be able to actually save money. What a concept.

Other than that though, things with Eagle and I are okay. Thursday night we had a great time. We went up to bed early and enjoyed each other like we hadn't done in a long time. We laughed and giggled and had a great time. Then last night, she (as usual) asked me for a massage. So I gave her one, but during that I said that I'm starting to resent the fact that she asks me for massages and she gets them from me nearly every day, yet she NEVER gives me any. And it's pissing me off. I then proceeded to put the clean clothes she had washed away, and get into bed. Earlier she had promised to give me a massage, but of course, she was too tired and I said something about it and I was hurt. She then made another crappy comment and I was pissed. I just thought about how sick to death I am of loving people, spoiling them, and getting NOTHING in return. What this fuck is so goddamn hard about just giving back what I give? Why is that so impossible????

I'm just frustrated and I want to be alone. I want to be responsible for me and only me.

What is it about me that makes me so easy to take advantage of? To feel that it's not necessary to honor me, to spoil me, to be honest with me, what is it?

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