Orphan
2005-07-19, 9:52 a.m.

It's my Grandmother's 85th Birthday today. I'm going to take her some of her favorite food tonight to celebrate.

Yesterday I wrote my dad out of my life. As I mentioned the other day he sent a regurgitated religious spew to Eagle the other day regarding our gayness.

So, finally, I let him have it. I told him that I do not want to be merely "tolerated" by him. He has not been there for me the majority of my life and I'm used to it anyway. I said all the hard things that I've wanted to say to him for a long time, and you know what he said? Nothing. No reply to either me or to Eagle. I'm not really surprised. When someone is just spewing out what is told to them, they don't have much to say when backed into the corner.

I told him that I'd hoped that since my mother loved me unconditionaly that he would too, but he never has, and it is clear that he never will. I've grown up without a daddy this far, I suppose the rest of my life won't be too lacking without one as well. I ended it by saying that I don't want him to contact me until he can do so without judgement, without conditions, just because he loves me because I am his flesh and blood.

I guess it makes me sad to write him off like that, but in some ways it's a relief. I no longer have to pretend that my dad is this great person. He's not. He never has been. I was shortchanged a dad in this life and there's no bones about it. But at least while she was alive, my mom made up for it. Now, I must carry on alone. Parentless.

Eagle's mom said something interesting. First she told her that she thinks that I think I pay for all the bills....she was sort of bitching about me spending money on lunch every couple of weeks. Now in her mother's defense, she does not KNOW that her daughter spends over $700 in recreational drugs a month. Not to mention the gadgets that she buys, etc. So her mom knows I make good money and is naturally curious as to where that money goes to make us this broke every month. So, as is a mother's way, she tries to pin it on me. It must be me spending this money friviously. But then Eagle fessed up to some of the things she'd been using. Namely the ephedra tablets. Hell she has a $200.00 a month habit in those. But she also told her mom that she is trying really hard to stop them. And this is when her mother said, "you need to make sure you don't drive seekingme away. We don't want you to lose her." I told Eagle then we should use that as leverage, just tell her mom, well you know we've got to keep Seekingme happy, or she'll leave. Obviously we weren't serious, but it was flattering to know that her family does not want me to go away. Hell why would they, I keep Eagle out of their hair.

So anyway, I'm feeling kind of orphaned right now, but it's okay. I'm happy that I have Eagle's family behind me. It'll be okay. Or at least that's what I have to keep telling myself.

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