grandma, dad, and Eagle
2005-07-20, 8:53 a.m.

So yesterday was grandma's birthday. It was her first one celebrated without grandpa too. It's not that they had a great relationship or anything, but they did spend the past 50 years together. So I asked grandma what she wanted for dinner...anything she wanted, I'd bring her. She chose...PIZZA! I nearly laughed. I thought she'd say something like Sign of the Beef Carver or Boston Market....nope Grandma waned pizza. So Eagle and I picked up a large domino's pizza and Grandma had Eagle cook us up some brussel spourts to go with our pizza and the three of us ate together. It was nice, I just wish I could talk more to my Grandma. We are in some ways like strangers, and I don't know why that is. I think it might be that when I was young enough to bond with a grandma, I lived 2,000 miles away from her. Or it could be that my mother was always trying to shield my grandmother from any bad news, so I always had to be careful what I said to grandma. I don't know. All I do know is that I want to change it. I want to talk to my grandma about more deep subjects then the weather. So I'm trying. I wanted last night to tell her of my dad's betrayal, but then I thought, we'd have to have the whole gay conversation that we have not yet had, so I shut up. But I'm trying to ask probing questions, like did you ever think of leaving grandpa...to which her answer was a resounding yes. I've tried to find out what led them to be together and what happened with her and her first husband (my mom's real dad). I have to say that Eagle is a great asset to me in this. She speaks to grandma like she's known her all her life. I think grandma really likes her too, but I think in her mind Eagle is my "roommate" and I don't know that she wants to know anything different.

So, you guessed it, no word from my dad. I have this feeling that this is it. I'll never hear from him again, and he'll be clutching his bible in justification for losing his daughter. It's so sad truly it is, but it is his loss. He's never done a damn thing for me. Never wiped my tears, never wiped a smudge of dirt from my face, never held my hand at the doctors, never tucked me in, never told me how he feels about me.....but he is a Christian so he'll get to heaven, because that's all it takes.....how sad.

Eagle and I made love on the livingroom floor last night and it was really great. I am happy that she is no longer saying that we can't have sex unless our relationship is "perfect." I think I finally go through to her that sex is an important part of keeping a couple close and keeping the spark alive. Tonight we are going to spend the evening at her Aunt and Uncle's house playing games and swimming in their pool. And, honestly, I'm really looking forward to it.

Yesterday I got to "drive" during training. Basically that means that I got to operate the computer that is hooked up to the overhead projector. It means paying close attention to the one who is giving the presentation to know when to switch to the next screen. I'm getting this and I'm getting excited for the time when I get to be the one giving the presentation.

We made our flight reservations for San Antonio, TX, we leave August 14 and return the 19th. I can't wait.

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