at least it's Friday
2005-07-22, 8:46 a.m.

It's Friday and I haven't been to sleep before Midnight all week. Eagle is going through a med change and that will mess up everyone within a mile's radius of her.

So yesterday she got bad news from her doctor. When she was there the other day they did a test on her breathing and it turns out that she is in the first stages of emphysema. She has to quite smoking or she'll die of this by the time she's 50. Eagle is, of course, freaked out. But I have to admit she handled it pretty well. But she kept saying, "I don't know if I can do this...but what choice do I have?"

Eagle's mom and I feel that maybe this would be a great time for her to go to a detox and counseling treatment and just get off of everything. Eagle doesn't like that much. I know that in the back of her mind, she is contemplating just killing herself. But she says she wouldn't because she wouldn't want to do that to her mom. So anyway, I listened to her, I didn't say a lot, because what do you say? I mean she has to quit or she'll die in the next 10 years.

After we went to bed Eagle talked some more and she finally told me something about herself that she has never told anyone, not even a counselor. She said she was too embarrassed. Out of respect for her, I'm not going to say what it is here, but let me say it was not a bad thing. I told her that it goes to show me that she has an infinite imagination and if she could channel it into something productive, she could be a famous writer, artist, musician whatever.

I was glad that she shared that part of herself with me, and I was kind of afraid to know what it was based on the build up. She has mentioned it to me briefly in the past but was always too embarrassed to just tell me. I was thinking it had to be pretty bad, but it's really not. I think she created a healthy way of dealing with the stresses of her life over the years, and that's about it.

I have to admit that I'm scared. I mean first of all I smoke too, but not as much as Eagle. But what if she won't quit? Will I be carting around my lover in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank in the next 10 years? How is that fair? I deal with her mental shit too....her addictions...and then it comes down to that? It's not fair to her, and it's not fair to me.

But, at least it is Friday.....

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