Complacent
2006-08-02, 10:40 a.m.

So yesterday Eagle was doped up on Zyprexa which makes it the third day in a row. The scarey thing about it is that I don't even care anymore. I've become complacent about it and I don't like it....but I don't care.

I've got so much invested in this relationship and I'm tired and I don't want to pack up and move. I don't want to deal with Eagle's grief if I left. I don't want to remove myself from her family. I know this is so not healthy, but I don't care.

I suppose if I cared enough about it, I'd do something about it. However, that's a loaded statement. I lived in a sexless marriage for many years before I gave up on that, and I only did so with the help of MyexLove who jump started my heart. But I do suppose everything happens for a reason. In that case, I'm here for a reason and I'll stay for a reason, and if I leave there will be a reason for that too.

I know I deserve more than this. I know it. But I will only get what I go after and right now, just living, and working, and doing the day to day stuff is all that I can manage. So I'll stay. Complacent with her using until I am no longer complacent.

But it doesn't meant I won't be concerned about it. I am internally. I just don't have the energy to complain or take any action.

I wrote a few entries ago about the fact that I no longer remember the intense feelings I had with MyexLove, and that's still true. But what isn't really true is that I don't miss it. Sometimes I do. I wish that I could have that overwhelming feeling of the world being "right" of my life being just where it should be, that big deep sigh that leaves me feeling peaceful and happy. I miss that. Why is it that the only time in my life I felt that was in the brief moments of connection with myexlove? And to look back at the turmoil that truly was that relationship, it's ironic that those peaceful moments ever existed at all. But they did. I know that they did and I am sad that I will never feel that again.

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