If only...
2006-08-03, 9:04 a.m.

Okay, I'm in shock. Why you ask? Well have you ever been secretly romantically interested in a friend and figure that there's no way that person could reciprocate because you're just friends? Well I have a friend like that, I've known for awhile. When I first met her she was in a long term relationship and I was single. But I was very attracted to her. Then I got with Eagle and just last year this friend became single. I had brief fantasies of her proclaiming her love for me and whisking me away, but it never happened and I figured I just wasn't her type anyway.

Well lo and behold said friend has a new girlfriend who is just like me! She's overweight, same color and length of hair, and personally (just between you and me) I think I'm prettier. Here I thought said friend would be interested in the petite little cheerleader types (as was her ex). Now I'm sort of kicking myself. Not to say that I wish I'd dumped Eagle for said friend, but you know....it's the "if only" syndrome again.

Speaking of that....I am currently going through my "I want to be single" phase again and it sucks. I know logically that if I broke up with Eagle I'd be unhappy, I'd want to be with her again, but I can't quell those voices within in me yearning for freedom. I wish sometimes that I'd never joined the list that she was on. That I'd never heard of Eagle...I wonder where I'd be now if I hadn't. That's not to say that I'm miserable. I'm not. But I am stuck. Granted I'm choosing to be stuck, but stuck is still stuck. If I had never have met her, I would not love her and care that if I leave she might not survive without me. I would not love her family and miss them if I left...see where this is going? If only if only if only if only.....I just hate that phrase.

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