Don't want to be her mother
2003-08-13, 9:25 a.m.

There is nothing like taking someone you're dating out to meet your friends to see some really interesting things. Yes, I took MyCrush out to meet some of my friends. And don't get me wrong, she was funny and talkative and not shy at all. But she wasn't MyLove. I didn't want to be all over her, I didn't want to be kissing her, I didn't want to stare at her and think how beautiful, confident, and sexy she is. My friends said she was cool, but that she's "a wild one." And she is. And as I've stated many times, I don't want to be her tamer, her trainer, her mother, or anything else for that matter. But she doesn't quite get it. Or maybe she does, and she's hoping she'll wear me down anyway.

I am amazingly proud of myself though. MyCrush asked me to do something for her and I said no. Absolutely not. It wasn't a big thing, but it wasn't a small thing either. But I didn't even hesitate. And, I don't feel guilty. I explained to her my reason for saying no and I think she understood. Not sure she agreed, but she understood. Do you realize how strong I have to be to say no? I'm amazed and happy that I was able to do just that.

MyexLove is still calling me a lot. Yesterday she said, "I thought the grass was greener, but I was wrong." I appreciate that she is seeing that she was wrong. But do I really want to risk getting hurt again when she decides the grass is greener again? Can I really ever trust in her love? Will I ever be able to look into her eyes and not doubt that what I see is real? I don't know, and I told her that. She just said, "we'll talk this weekend."

In the meantime, I'll keep the friendship going with MyCrush and there's a new lady in my life too. We've been emailing for awhile and finally I hope to chat with her tonight. She seems shy, but very hard working and responsible and nice. I guess I'll call her Myemailbud.

I am completely thankful every day for the strength that I have gained, for the peace that is still with me, and I accept that I am responsible for this. It is ME making ME happy for the first time in my life....and it is a joyous feeling beyond description.

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