feeling blah
2003-08-14, 8:56 a.m.

I can't help it. I've got butterflies in my stomach knowing that I'll probably see MyexLove sometime today. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could be casual and nonchalant. I don't want to jump into this. I need to be strong. I need to let her know that she can't just walk in and out of my life at her own whim. But damn I want to hold her right now, I want to kiss her, I want to feel her heartbeat.

She said last night that she wants to spend some time figuring out exactly what she wants and then she will go for it. Whatever that means.

I talked to Myemailbud last night. It was great. She has a totally smart ass sense of humor and I really like that. At the very least I hope that she and I can be friends. We had a fun time talking about making a career change and working in a brothel...you had to be there I think.

MyCrush is falling for me though. She sent me an email asking that I be the one that stays. Damn I don't want to hurt her. I wonder if I should just cut it off now and not set her up for an even bigger fall. I don't know. I have to admit that it's nice to be chased, but I really don't want to hurt her. I just can't see us together. She just needs too much....and I don't want to be her caretaker...I just don't. Does that make me totally selfish?

I guess I'm feeling kind of blah today.

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