Ranting
2004-09-03, 8:43 a.m.

Well it's Friday. That's a really good thing because if I'd had to come here one more day this week, I think I would snap.

Speaking of snap, I snapped bad last night. I had had the WORST day in a very long time yesterday. Eagle on the other hand was having just yet ANOTHER bad day for her. But just could not be there for me. Fine, but she could not stop her whining and crying all evening. Finally she decides she wants to fight about me getting a divorce from my ex-husband for the millionth time. And I lost it. I told her her that I will decide when I file for divorce, plain and simple. Right now I do not have the money nor the time to file. And I resent her telling me that I have to do it. Period. As it is, I had PLANNED to live in my own place for a year....a year! And now I'm all moved back in just three months into that year. Why? Because she moved my shit back in the condo while I was at work one day. I told her I do not want to feel like she is controlling my life and that is how I feel.

We screamed a lot at each other, and I even resorted to throwing shit, which I never do. We ended up making up (tentatively) before we fell asleep, but this morning she left me a note saying, she loves me, but she's not going to back down on the divorce issue. What the fuck ever. Looks like we'll be disagreeing on this for awhile.

It pisses me off that I can do so fucking much for her and deal with all the bullshit she throws my way, and the ONE THING she can pick at with me is my divorce. I'm starting to get pissed off all over again just typing this. It's not about me not wanting to divorce my ex-husband. I truly do want to divorce him. It's just that there are so many other things in my life that take my time, money, and energy....and EAGLE is the main one! It comes down to the fact that I do not want to be TOLD what to do and when to do it. I will make my own decision and she is going to have to live with that.

And since I'm venting....it pisses me off that she can just decide that she's having a bad week and just stop doing anything. And then looks at me like I'm fucked up because I don't pick up all her slack. For example, granted she's been sick all week, but she has not cooked a meal in a week, she has not taken out the trash, fed the cats, scooped the litter, done any laundry, nothing.....so I've been trying to pick up the slack. So, last night after I got home, I started laundry, cleaned the litter, took out the trash, and then started unpacking some more of my boxes. She says, "when are we ever going to cook dinner again?" As if to say, why haven't you cooked? I just looked at her and said, "well I've been kinda busy since I walked in the door." And I walked away. But I was fuming! It must be nice to be able just take a week or two off from life and expect everyone around you to just adjust. What ever.

I have a feeling there's a storm brewing underneath the calm right now. I was so angry last night, I haven't been that mad in a long long time. I guess I need to address this soon. I knew it was coming, I could feel it, but with the way her moods have been lately it's hard to talk to someone who is already moody for no apparent reason, you know?

Oh and the reason I had a bad day yesterday, besides all the normal crap that happens to make a day bad, in the meeting I had with my boss I was informed that if I was late again in the next thirty days, I'd be suspended for one day with out pay. What the fuck? I was less then 10 minutes late each day and they were all in one week. I had not been late before that for months. This week was bad because school started and I could not adjust to the traffic change. She didn't care. She's a fucking asshole. Whatever.

So what do I wish for when I get home? Maybe a hug, or just let me talk, or anything. But not...."you don't love me because you're not divorced" BULLSHIT! Ugh!

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