she has read it all now
2003-09-17, 8:58 a.m.

I did something I never thought I'd do. I told MyexLove about this journal and I gave her enough information to find it and she did. Last night while she was at work she read the entire thing. We spoke on and off all night long.

She said she wishes I would have been this open about things with her, that it might have opened her eyes. I told her that I don't think that it would have because I did talk to her about it over the course of our relationship. It's just that as humans we tend to gloss over things that we've done in the past that we're not proud of, so she just didn't remember a lot of the details that I documented.

She asked me why I put up with it so long. She said she was really an asshole. She said she was so sorry for hurting me.

A part of me always wanted her to read it. Wanted her to feel what I felt during the good and the bad. And now she has.

I was so afraid that if she read it that she would not love me anymore, or that she would judge me....but she didn't and she still loves me. She said it helped her to really get to know me more by reading it.

Now my dilemma is....do I continue to post here, knowing that she can read it at any time? I think I will...I just have to be careful to not censor myself because that would defeat the purpose.

She even left me a comment on yesterday's entry....I know she loves me...I know she does. And I'm pretty sure she knows that I love her too....I so want to believe that she can and will treat me the way that I want to be treated the next time around....and dammit I'm not going to apologize to anyone for wanting to see.

If I get hurt again...it'll be my own fault. But I feel so sure most of the time that I won't get hurt...that we will actually live happily ever after.

Bowling last night sucked royally...I couldn't get her off my mind. I bowled an 80, 100, and a 114.....an 80!!!!! What the hell is up with that?

last - next