the juicy details
2005-10-20, 1:34 p.m.

Okay, so finally a few spare minutes to update the juicy stuff. So guess who called me out of the blue? Yep, MyExLove. She called first to say hey, see how I was, blah blah blah. She went ont to tell me how proud she is of me, and I sound like I�ve really come into my own and I sound strong etc. We talked for about 15 minutes and that was it. The next day she left me a VM and said, �can you call me becuase I need someone to talk to.� So I did. Well she blurts out that she is still in love with me and she can�t be happy with anyone but me. She says she made a huge mistake and she can�t get over me, but she knows I�m not available and she doesn�t expect me to do anything about it. So I tell her that I don�t know what to say. What I didn�t/couldn�t say was, well I�m happy and I�ve moved on and that�s that. Get over it. I just couldn�t get myself to say that. Ugh! So....she kept on and on and saying that she knows we could be happy, that she�s gotten her shit together and that she�s worked through her issues and she can give me the love that I deserve, the love that she never was able to give me before. Now I won�t lie and say that my heart wasn�t swelling to capacity and my brain wasn�t trying to figure out a way to leap at this chance, because it was. But I ended up saying, �mylove, right now I am focused on my career and my job. I�m in a relationship and I don�t have it in me right now to change that.� I also said, �I�ve heard all of this before and I walked away from my life for you before, and look where that got me.� �Obviously I have some trust issues.� �But besides all that, I just CAN�T upheave my life right now. I can�t say that the relationship I�m in right now is perfect, but I can say that Eagle and I have achieved a level of friendship and intimacy that I�m not even sure you can handle. When we fight we still love each other, we still communicate, and neither of us is afraid to say we�re sorry, or to admit that we were wrong. I like that. I may not feel for Eagle the way that I felt for you, but it�s got it�s good points anyway.� After all that she said, �you wanted me to humble myself to you and now you just reject me? What do you want from me?� I told her that this not a rejection of her, but more of a choice on my part not to upheave my life right now. She said that it�s bullshit to stay in this relationship just because it�s too hard to leave it. And I guess I�d have to agree with her on that. But that�s not why I�m staying.

Anyway, she ended up hanging up on me when I said I had to go and I have not heard from her since. I do know that she�s checked my diary, hence this locked entry. But since that conversation my brain has gone around and around the whole thing, over and over. Obviously I can�t tell Eagle about the conversation, and I really don�t have anyone else to talk to besides my counselor, and I�m not seeing her again until next month. So here it is. All out there.

So what�s going on in my brain? A lot. I keep comparing my life now to what it COULD be with MyExLove....IF she truly has changed.

1. I figure with myexlove we both work and make good money....therefore money would never again be an issue in my life, and let me tell you that has a very strong appeal.

2. I�ve never felt for ANYONE the way that I felt for myexlove, and I�m pretty sure that upon rekindling that relationship, it would all come pouring back.

3. MyEx is not afraid of ghosts, scarey movies, and amusement park rides like Eagle is. And those are three of my FAVORITE things.

4. MyEx does not have any substance abuse issues. We could have drinks every now and then and enjoy them. We could get drunk once in awhile. That�s kind of fun every now and then.

5. MyEx likes concerts and movies, I have to drag Eagle to them.

6. MyEx works and is not so insecure that I�d have to spend every minute with her.

7. Eagle on the other hand is very affectionate and loves to cuddle, MyEx, not so much.

8. Eagle is a much better cook.

9. Eagle�s family is much more stable and has welcomed me and loves me and I love them. MyEx�s not so much.

10. Eagle and I have a good friendship above and beyond our relationship. We have a closeness that is not easy to achieve.

11. Eagle would fall apart if I left her. I would feel guilty forever.

12. Eagle would play on that guilt and it would affect my work and right now I can�t afford to be distracted at work.

13. I see the possiblity of adopting or going through fertility with MyEx a lot sooner/easier than with Eagle.

14. I would truly miss Eagle if I left her.

15. But I love MyEx more.

16. I can�t trust either of them.

So, that is the kind of shit that keeps going through my mind, over and over and over again! Oh my God! What to do what to do.

So there it is, it in all it�s glory. The true love of my life wants me back, but I can�t go. I just can�t despite all the above, I can�t go.

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