I'm so jaded
2003-10-27, 9:15 a.m.

I am not happy to be back to work this morning. Not happy at all...but what the hell. Gotta work for a living.

So this weekend was fun. Friday I went out with my friend DJ. She and I met a few months ago and have been NOTHING but platonic. Whic is the way I want it....but DAMN she's looking hot. But I would not want to ruin the friendship we are building by confusing anything, so I can admire without acting. Besides that, I think I'm too much of a lesbian for her. She's looking for a stone femme. It's complicated, but that's just the feeling I get.

Saturday I finally got to see MyLove again. It was strange at first. It wasn't like normal. She was very tired for one, and we were driving to the Shania Twain concert and we hardly talked. But the strangest part about it was that I didn't feel akward about it. We just listened to the radio and she closed her eyes on and off and we just enjoyed each other's company. I think that's a really good sign. It means that I don't feel that it's necessary for us to be talking ALL the time.

Sunday we just hung around the house, but then I got pissed. The phone rang and it was TheExFromHell calling for Mylove. I got right bent out of shape. Turns out she called for a very stupid reason and my thought is...she did it to piss me off. And, unfortunately, it worked. I did get pissed off. I told MyLove I'm sick of this woman having so much control over my feelings. And then I said to myself...fuck that. I am NOT going to let her affect me anymore. After that I was fine. I really was, and I still am. MyLove tells me that not matter what happens with her and I, she is never going to have a relationship with TheExFromHell. I can choose to believe that or not, but it doesn't matter anyway.

It is kind of ironic that just before the call came in, MyLove and I and roommateguy were talking about how jaded I've become when it comes to love and romance. I told them that when I was younger I would watch the romantic comedies and love story movies and think that it was possible for those things to happen. That "living happily everafter" was real. But I don't believe in that anymore. And I don't. Once the person you love realizes they've got you...they stop with the lovey dovey stuff. They no longer try. That's been my experience my whole life, why should I think any differently? MyLove tried to say that I'm not the most romantic person either, but that's pure bullshit. I am. I am the one that sends cards, emails, calls and leaves a message on her phone just because, buys flowers for no reason, cooks her favorite meal, gives her massages, tickles her back at night, shall I go on? And then the call from TheExFromHell comes in and I realized that yet again, the happily ever after has eluded me still.

MyLove promised that we will have the happily ever after someday. I truly hope so...but my jaded self can't put all my hopes on that right now. That's just too dangerous.

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