long and introspective
2003-10-24, 8:52 a.m.

Oh yeah it's Friday and I am happy happy! Last night, despite my fatigue, I decided to finally go play euchre at the gay bar and I am so glad that I did. I met the greatest people. Everyone was so welcoming and funny and nice, I felt truly at home. Unfortunately I didn't finish in any place to win money, but I didn't do too bad. I will definitely go back again.

After euchre I was invited by some womyn to go play pool. I sucked, but I sunk a few balls, and it was all in good fun.

The only down part of the night was that I missed MyLove. I wanted to be there with her. I looked around the room and I saw other couples cuddling and kissing and what not and it made me ache for her. But I think I'll have to get used to doing things solo because with her work schedule that way it is, it will not be possible for her to join me in a lot of different activities. But that's okay. I love her and I respect her job and her career and I am finding out that I CAN do things alone and be okay with it.

Tonight I'm supposed to go out with DJ to that same bar. I probably will go, but damn I'm tired today. I ended up getting home well after midnight. But hey, I figure I might as well party now because hopefully in the next few years I'll have kids and it'll be time for me to settle down and be a parent.

Sometimes I wish that I would have discovered my true self when I was younger. I feel like I might have missed what could have been some of the best years of my life. But realistically I probably missed a lot more drama and heartbreak. I see these young girls together now and they last six months tops, and then they're off with someone new. I know that I would have gotten my heart broken many times that way. I guess it's better now that I'm older because I have the maturity to be able to go out without my partner, and still be true to her, and not look for romance elsewhere. And frankly, I still think that I have a really GREAT catch in MyLove. She may have had her issues with commitment, but she is wonderful in so many other ways. Everytime I go out I realize that. Someday, as long as she and I can continue to communicate and be honest with each other, we will be a very strong couple and we'll raise strong and healthy children. I feel it in my bones. She is what I want for the rest of my life. What she and I can have is what I want. And I can be patient and not rush things for now. For now, I'm learning to live for me....that way I can be a more well-rounded and supportive partner someday.

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