Monday thoughts
2004-11-01, 8:42 a.m.

Ding Dong the Witch is on vacation! The boss is gone for two whole weeks. This pleases us all to no end!

This morning, walking from the bus stop into my building, I encountered a lot of movie extras dressed in space suits. It's kind of cool. It's also a pain in the ass because streets are closed everywhere and traffic is a bitch. Glad I'm bussing it.

This weekend was pretty terrific. Eagle was in a good mood all weekend and we got a long great. We even found the ability to talk about some deep issues.

Money still sucks royally. They sent a cable shut off notice that we received on Saturday. They turned off the cable this morning. How dumb is that? Why bother sending a notice if you're not going to give anyone a chance to pay it before you shut it off? Eagle's going to ask her mom to pay to have it back on and we'll pay her back on Friday when I get paid again. As it is Friday's paycheck is spent. Eagle's been working on getting some income, not a formal job, but whatever she can do is fine with me.

I didn't go to church yesterday, but we both woke up fairly early and spent a good hour in bed just holding each other. It was really nice. We both said we wished we could wake up that way every morning. Last night we went to Eagle's brother's place for Halloween. Little Howie, Eagle's nephew, is the cutest thing ever. He's adorable. He calls me Cadda because he can't say my name. He was dressed in a Blues Clues costume. His mother served homemade mac and cheese and Eagle and I brought a great salad, it was a nice evening. However, as soon as Eagle gets around her family she shuts up and gets a scowl on her face. I pointed it out and she said it's because her dad and her brother intimidate her so much she hates to even speak. That's a shame. I try to converse with her brother, but it's like talking to a rock. Her dad's a little better, but not much. The only talkative one is her mother, but she talks about the oddest things. Her family is odd. No doubt about that.

Spoke briefly with MyEx on Friday. She called to tell me that her brother (who is estranged from her family) had tried to commit suicide. I could hear the stress in her voice. I felt bad for her, I actually wished I could be there for her. But I can't. I can offer her support over the phone, but there's not much else I can do. I guess it's up to her girlfriend to be there in person for her. I'm sure she will be. Hearing her the way she was made my heart ache for her. I realize that no matter what, I'll never be able to disengage myself from her completely. Never. As much as I am healing, a part of me is still very much in love with her and always will be. It doesn't much seem to matter what happened in the past. That part of my heart is stubborn as hell!

But the good news is, I have learned how to love myself and that is still with me. It makes things so much easier. It makes the future seem so much less scarey. I no longer feel alone, no matter what.

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