The world's worries
2004-10-29, 8:42 a.m.

Well it's Friday. It's not pay day though and that sucks. I'm overdrawn in the bank AGAIN! My gold membership is up any day at diaryland and I can't afford to pay it, so I guess I'll be back to the free membership status for awhile. Which sucks!

In the good news, Eagle seems to be coming out of the funk she's been in for awhile. Although last night we had one of those conversations that I hate because it makes me lose hope. She said that she doesn't see the point in life. We are on this earth to love people and then those people die, we work and suffer and then we die, and there's just no point to it all. So I asked her, "if there's no point to it, why are you still here?" She thought about it for awhile and then said because she's too afraid of what's on the other side. I told her that I cannot fathom spending my entire life contemplating the purpose of my life and fearing the end of it. That's not productive and that's not how I choose to live.

Then I hugged her and she hugged me and we stayed like that for awhile and then I said, "maybe one point of your life is to love like this." I can tell that made an impact. I told her that I know she feels hopeless right now, but she won't feel like this always.

It was a touch and go evening. She feels like the only thing we ever talk about is her mental illness. And admittedly that is a lot about what we talk about. But whenever we debate about anything from politics to religion she ends up getting frustrated and snippy, then I shut up and she wonders why, so I say because I don't like getting snapped at and suddenly we're discussing her mental illness again. That is the way it goes.

Somewhere in Eagle's life she decided that she was going to be the official worrier of the world. Everyday she reads the news papers and mourns the loss of everyone in it. She can't understand how I can let that stuff go. I told her because there are far too many things in my own world to worry about, I cannot and do not want to spend my time grieving for people around the world. That is not what I want for my life. I would much rather spend my time celebrating the life of the world, then mourning the death of it.

Anyway, we had some good talks last night and we made love for the first time in awhile. It was nice and peaceful and I'm hoping that her mood is lifting again for awhile.

I don't like to be prophetic, but last night when she was talking I got the feeling that her life is near the end. I've had that feeling with her before and it doesn't leave me. I think maybe I was put in her life to help the last few years of hers be happier. That sounds much more morbid then I ever like to be, but it's a feeling that I can't seem to shake.

I met her for reason, and unfortunately, I don't think that reason was a positive one. But everything happens for a reason and in that I trust.

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