Birthday good and bad
2004-11-22, 9:06 a.m.

Well I'm back to work after three pretty miserable days off. The party went well on Friday, Eagle did a good job of planning and organzing. The party went pretty well too, we had a lot of people there and I enjoyed it. But as I looked around the room at everyone there I realized that there was NOONE there that was at my 30th birthday party. In fact, I had met every person there within the past five years. That's a very sobering realization. And it sent me into a deep dark depression for the rest of the weekend.

I tried to explain it to Eagle, but it just made her feel like I was saying that I missed my old family. Which was partly true, but I just couldn't explain it to her. Hell I can't really explain it now. It's like my life has changed 100% since I turned 30. That's a rude awakening. It makes you feel transient, or lost, or....I don't know. It just was. And I felt down the rest of the weekend.

Of course Eagle came down with a sinus infection, so the rest of my weekend was spent taking care of her. Nice birthday weekend. I tried really hard not to be bitter about it all weekend, but by Sunday night when I was being sent to the store for the third fucking time for her, I started to get pissy. Of course, whiney, pouty, stuffed up Eagle thought that I was being unreasonable. But neither of us had the energy to make it into a full blown fight. Thankfully.

Don't get me wrong, I know that Eagle does a lot for me. More, in fact, then anyone ever has done for me on a consistent basis. But I do a lot too and I'm sick to death of her not seeing what I do. I sat there in my head fuming all the way to the store to spend more money on cold medicine that we don't have. I tried really hard to be objective, and in my head I listed ALL that I had done this weekend, compared to all that she had done. And then I realized, this is dumb. You can't live your life tallying up what she does and what you do. She's sick, you love her, suck it up and go to the damn store already. And I did. I came home, told her I loved her, kissed her goodnight and went to bed.

Today I'm feeling better. Still feeling some resentment about the ex-roommates. Although they both called me over the weekend and our conversation went much smoother. Ex-roommate woman is still clearly mental however. Just based on her very odd conversations. Eagle and I discussed the whole thing Saturday as well. She was ready to jump on their bandwagon and blame it all on MyEx and chaulk it up to me overreacting. But I wouldn't let her. I told her in detail the shit that ex-roommate woman did, and how it made me feel. Of course, everytime I bring up anything even remotely close to me sticking up for MyEx, Eagle has a cow. But I finally was able to impress upon her just how much Ex-Roommate Woman hurt me. And that I was NOT overreacting. Grated, I wish that I had done some things differently, but I am not sorry that I stood up and stood my ground with her. That HAD to be done. And yeah MyEx pushed me to do that, I won't lie, but it needed to be done.

Eagle then went on the whole, "you'll never love me as much as you loved her" rant. God I hate that. It is so hard to quantify love in that way. But I think I finally said the right words to ease that fear again. She really hates MyEx for all that my MyEx did to me. She's convinced that MyEx did not tell me any truths ever, and that two weeks after we got together it became a game to her. I don't know if it did or didn't, but the fact is it hurts more to believe what Eagle is saying, so I choose not to. I choose to believe that MyEx did love me and was just confused. The alternative is just too painful. That would mean that MyEx used me from week three on, never intending to love me, never intending to be with me, it was just a game to her and I meant nothing to her. I can't deal with that. I need to believe that she loved me, and I can't hate her. No matter what. I just can't and that pisses Eagle off. Sigh.

Wow, lots of stuff going on in my brain today. Didn't realize just how much. Anyway, life is okay for the moment, I know that I am happy with it, I just feel some grief for the ones that I've lost over the years.

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