Thank God I have tomorrow off
2004-11-18, 8:40 a.m.

It's Friday for me. Yeah. I don't have to wake up early tomorrow. I don't have to crawl out of bed. I don't have to stumble into the shower. I don't have to climb onto the bus. Best of all, I don't have to go to work!!!! Oh yeah and it's my birthday. Trying hard not to freak out at the big Three Five! Seeing as I don't have much alternative to getting older, I might as well just accepted as gracefully as I can, right? Besides I'm having a party, that'll be fun right?

So yesterday I called the ex-roomies. AFter talking with ex-roomie woman and getting things solved and cleared, I figured ex-roomie guy and I would be fine too. Not. Apparently he's held a grudge against me this whole time because MyExLove was a bitch to him and I didn't stop it. Now first of all, I was only aware of two incidents that he claims she did. But he says she treated him and his wife like shit all the time. I didn't see it. He says I didn't see it because I was blinded by love. Yeah that may be true, but if he didn't say anything about it at the time, and I didn't see it, how can he hold it against me? We debated back and forth and I was hurt and angry all over again. I thought fuck this, his wife verbally and physically ASSAULTED me; tried to get me fired; called the police on me for no reason, yet she and I were able to make up, but he's going to dog me because of something MYEX did to him? Fuck him. I was pissed.

I had to end our conversation so that I could go into my doctor's appointment. However, during the two hours I was in the doctor's office, Eagle spoke to Ex-roomies on the phone. She has known them for awhile, and knows the history, and they used to root for me to break up with MyEx and be with Eagle. So apparently she spoke with them and by the time I got out of the doc's, ex-roomie guy was ready to say, "let's just say that YourEx was 90% of the problem and leave it at that." I accepted that, but I don't necessarily agree. Yeah, MyEx could be a bully at times, and she let it be known when she was upset, but I still don't think she treated him nearly as badly as his wife treated me. But it is water under the bridge and if he needs to blame it all on her, so be it. It's not like she and I are ever going to be back together again anyway. I also realize that she was an instigator in many ways as well, so I'll let it be.

After the conversation though, I was sad and angry. I want to know what it is he expected of me? To let his wife verbally assault me, and not defend myself? Fuck that. That was a rough fucking time for me. The woman I loved was living with another woman; work sucked; I felt more alone in my life; and yet when I came home I couldn't even find solace there because his wife was always there to intimidate me; make me think I was crazy; or just be downright selfish. What was I supposed to do? And if MyEx was treating him THAT bad then why didn't he tell me? He says he did tell me, but that I was just to blinded by love. I think that's a lame excuse. But whatever. It is over, I have to let it go. How many times have I said that this entry? Shit.

So as it stands, I'm not sure what I want out of a friendship with him anymore. I'm not so sure we can recapture the connection we once had. And that is sad. But it's life I guess.

I felt depressed last night. I'd had a bad day at work; back conversation with him; and the doctor thinks I may have osteo or rheumatoid arthritis in my thumb and my knee, I go for tests on Friday. Not to mention it's my period and I get depressed in the middle of that anyway. Then there's the whole turning 35 shit. Fuck.

I tried talking with Eagle last night about it all, and for the most part she was good. However, she feels like I let MyEx get away with so much, and I "followed her around like a puppy" and I "made her (MyEx) feel like a God or something." And yet with her I am strong and willful, and I don't let her get away with anything. I tried to explain to her that I don't treat her the same as MyEx, because she's NOT MyEx. She's a different person. I also tried to show her that my behavior with MyEx, was not healthy. I didn't have the balls I needed in that relationship. I could go on and on about this, but I think I'll save it for another entry. But there are some real truths starting to emerge about that relationship. I need to look at, process, vent, and let go. Soon.

But for now, it's Thursday, I have tomorrow off, I'm alive, I have a job, I have a home, I am in love, somebody loves me, and all really is well in my life. I need to remember that.

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