good times for the most part
2005-11-28, 9:00 a.m.

Well it's back to work and I could really use another four days off. But I had a good holiday weekend.

Thursday we went to Eagle's parents house for dinner. It was the usual quiet meal that it always is. But it was nice and I felt very thankful to have a family to go to. My father did not call me, nor did my step father, nor did my aunt. If it were not for Eagle's family, I'd have had no place to be for Thanksgiving and that was a very sobering thought.

Friday we spent the day just hanging out around the house. I played Sims a lot, she napped and watched t.v.

Saturday I was pleasantly surprised that Eagle woke me up with a hot cup of coffee. She seemed in great spirits and energized. My hopes flourished that finally she was snapping out of this depression she'd been in since going off of the ephedra a week before. But, I soon found out that she had gotten up early and gone to the store and bought some. I was very mad and very disappointed in her, and I told her so.

Eagle suggested I give my friends in Canada a call. I hadn't seen them in a year or better. So I did and we made plans to go over that night. Eagle went and got her hair cut, and we both did ourselves up...looking mighty fine I'd say...and went to Canada. We went to my friend April's house and played poker. It was a lot of fun.

But then on the way home we got into a fight. This is the first fight we've had in a long time, but I let out a lot of stuff. I expressed my frustration over her using those pills again, and she said, "but we had a great day for once, what does it matter if I took the pills?" I told her that it's that philosophy that's gotten her where she is today so of course she said where is that? I said it out loud, unemployed, dependant on me or her family for everything, and unable to take care of herself. She intrepeted that as me calling her a loser.

The fight continued when I got home. But I didn't really get mad. I just stated my points and made it clear that this is not what I want for my life. I told her that I can be there for her to help her through the depression associated with not using. But I lose my patience when she does something like get up early to go get pills, which is a relapse and puts us back to square one. I told her that in the past few months she has done NOTHING for me. I'm tired of being the one in every relationship that does it all. The one that holds things together, the one that spoils the other, the one that shows affection, and the one that doesn't get anything in return. I'm sick of it, and I refuse to accept that that is my lot in life. If she cannot give back to me, what I give to her, then I WILL move on and find someone who will.

She cried a lot, and I felt bad to see her cry, but I did not let it make me feel guilty or take back my words. Later as we lay in bed, we held each other and she told me that she heard me and that she will keep trying.

The next day she got up in a really good mood, with more energy then she has had and she did not have any ephedrine. We had a great day and evening and it gave me hope.

There is a little bit more, but it's private.

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