I finally got my wish of getting sick!
2005-12-30, 8:42 a.m.

Well I'm back. I was supposed to be back to work on Wednesday, but remember when I was asking to be sick? Well I got my wish. It was horrible though. Ugh. I had the stomach flu. It came on me Monday night just after I finished a huge meal, but 10:00 I was heaving so bad I was crying. I did that all night long. Tuesday I crawled out of bed shaking and shivering and went with Eagle to her Preliminary Exam. The court appointed attorney told her to waive the Prelim, but that set her Court date for 1/3 for the Pretrial, which gives us no time to gather our shit together and to veiwt he files, SO I planned on requesting an adjournment, but can you believe, the lawyer's office, the clerk's office, and the prosecutor's office were all closed the entire week? I was flabbergasted. I work in a Court. Court's do not close for a week. So now we have to go on the third and request an adjournment so that her cousin can get a look at the case.

So Wednesday, though I'd stopped vomitting, I still had the chills and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, so I called in sick. We hung out around the house and I rested. Thursday, I was all set to go to work, but I got up late, and I felt weak, so I called in again. Today, I'm here, but I so don't want to be. At least, so far, it's quiet.

So Eagle and I had some fights and some talks this week. I told her that I don't want this cycle of using to be my reality for the rest of my life. I told her that I'm not getting ready to pack up and go, but that I can't tell her when I might, but I know that if things keep on the way they are, that day WILL come.

I told her that she's using the stress over the court situation to use more and more and I don't like it. I pointed out that she has turned to drugs and alcohol her entire life to reduce stress and it hasn't helped. Last night for example, she wanted me to take her to the drug store to get Benadryl (she used to abuse it), and I said no. We argued back and forth about it for a while, but finally she said, "okay." And she let it go and we had a nice evening, and she DIDN'T use. I told her she needs meetings right now. She needs to do the opposite of what she's always done. She said she would go, but she's said that before. We'll see.

I know that I'm not trapped there with her, but I've got a lot of crap to clean up with my credit and financialy situation before I can really go anywhere. Not to mention, I want that $500.00 bail money back. So I'm committed to seeing her through the court stuff, and in the meantime, I am slowly, but surely paying off all my personal debts including my credit card, so that I have resources if/when the time comes.

And once again I remind myself that living with Eagle is actually quite nice, most of the time. Even her using does not affect me directly. It only affects me in the fact that I know that using is bad for her and will eventually lead to worse behavior.

I have learned a lot in this relationship actually. I've learned how to be strong, and stand up for myself, and to say no when I need to. I've never had that kind of freedom before and I am thankful for that.

Besides all of the above, my mind drifted to my lack of family this holiday. I missed my mom of course. But I waited all day for my dad to call me and wish me a Merry Christmas. I finally called him around 5:00 p.m. and got his answering machine, so I left him a message. He finally did call me back around 11:00 that night when Eagle and I were in the movie theater watching King Kong. He left a message, saying he had something little for me and we need to get together. No "Merry Christmas" no "I love you." Nothing. And no calls from anyone else. I called my grandma to say Merry Christmas and I left a message for my Aunt, but none of my step-family called me. I felt very alone. Eagle's family once again welcomed me wonderfully at the holidays. This was our second Christmas together. Her mother made my family traditional wassail (hot cider drink) that brought me to tears last year. I told Eagle it seems we have a new tradition in her family now.

Eagle's mom called me everyday that I was sick and even came over to see how I was and that was the closest I've had to a mom in forever. Eagle asked me why I don't call her mom, and I said that it just seems foreign to me. But I'd like to call her mom. I'm going to try. Because she is just like a mom to me now. The closest thing I've got to one.

Oh hell now I'm all choked up and I've got to get to work. Besides this is long enough. Hope everyone had a happy holiday. I'll try to get caught up on all my reads! Oh and we made out like bandits for Christmas!

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