I won....but couldn't celebrate
2005-12-23, 8:41 a.m.

At last it is Friday. Thank God!

Last night we went to our weekly euchre tournament and guess what? I WON! I've come in third a few times before, but this week I came in first place! Yeah me. Unfortunately the mood was dampened by the fact that I realized half way through the evening the Eagle wasn't drinking just plain coffee, but had some kind of alcohol mixed with it. It put me in a very somber mood.

On the way home I confronted her about it. She didn't deny it. She said she "needed to drink." I said she needed to drink like she needs a hole in the head. I told her that she's not taking her recovery seriously and I'm tired of it.

When we got home she asked me to rub her back like I usually do at night and I said no. She harped on it for a while and then let it go.

This morning I awoke feeling less upset about things and got in the shower. When I got out of the shower I knew something was up. Sure enough when I got down stairs I found that $10.00 had been taken out of my wallet. I know she took the money to buy ephedra. I asked her where she put the money but she pretended to be asleep and I did not have the patience nor the time to get into it, so I told her the house had better be clean when I get home....yeah like that's going to happen.

So once again my thoughts are shifting back to the knowledge that I don't want to live like this forever. I can't do this. If she's not going to give it her best effort to be and stay clean, then why should I put so much energy trying to be supportive?

I'm tired of it frankly. Honestly, we have a great relationship in most all areas. I love her and I know that she loves me. There's rarely any fighting, we laugh almost every day, she compliments me, she does nice things for me that no one every has before. But we have to live under the threat of the next relapse every single day. Why do I feel like the one reason is not enough to walk away from her? But that is truly why I'm still there. Because of the other 90% of the things that are great. I feel selfish to want it 100% great. I know that's my own thing I guess, it's just that's where I'm at. Relectantly to leave a relationship because there's one aspect of it that is bad, and the rest is pretty darn good.

But at least it's in my brain, and maybe there's some truth to having to leave her in order for her to finally take recovery seriously. I don't know. But I do know that my backup plans are still in place and the idea of leaving is once again in my brain.

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