Fear of What???
2002-12-9, 2:58 p.m.

I�m not really sure I can make much sense of how I feel right now. Basically it�s fear I guess. Fear of losing MyLove, fear that I am not good enough for her, fear that I will disappoint her, fear that she doesn�t need me. All pretty logical fears I guess, but just because they�re logical doesn�t mean that they are easy to overcome.

I�m so very happy to have her in my life and to be in her life, yet something inside me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. It�s like this can�t be that good. And unfortunately thoughts like that seem to creep in no mater what I do. And I don�t think it�s just me either. I think MyLove has the same thoughts too. It seems that just when we get to a comfortable place something tiny can turn into a huge mountain. And I can�t seem to stop it from happening.

I�ve got so many things going on in my mind all the time lately. Mostly it�s about MyLove. Sometimes I feel in control and on top of the world and in an instant fear hits me out of nowhere and I want to run and cry. When I say run I don�t mean run from MyLove, but actually run to her. Cling to her with all my might. But then I�m afraid I�m choking her. I just don�t know what to do anymore.

Why can�t I accept that even though she was frustrated and vented to me about it, that now she�s okay? Why can�t I just accept that and stop reading more into it? Why do I feel like she�s just pretending to be okay? Why do I need her reassurance to be happy? What the fuck is wrong with me that I can�t just be happy regardless?

Why do I feel the need to feel responsible for her happiness? Why do I feel that she should be responsible for mine? When in fact neither of us is nor should we be, and we actually do make each other happy?

All I know is that I can�t lose her, I don�t want to lose her, I�ve loved her for so long, we�ve come so far and I�m afraid to the core that I�ll lose her, but why?

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