Am I self-absorbed??
2002-12-10, 2:59 p.m.

Well I�m feeling much better today. However I have a question now on my mind weighing very heavy. Am I self-absorbed? Some things that MyLove has said led me to believe that she felt that I was, and unfortunately some things she said have rung true to me, though not all of them. But I came right out and asked her if she thought I was indeed self-absorbed. She said yes, no hesitation. She said I�ve always been that way and that she knew that getting into the relationship. So now, of course, I�ve been thinking about it constantly. I�ve examined events in my life to see if I am really that self-absorbed, or am I just so easy going sometimes that it appears that I am being self-absorbed, if that even makes sense.

For example, in all my relationships I have been the giver, the person who takes care of the other one, the forgiver, the one that focuses all of myself on the other person. How does this equate being self-absorbed? Is it because my ultimate motivation for pleasing the other person is because it makes me feel better? And if so, is that so wrong?

I do admit that I seem to behave differently with MyLove than I have with the men in my life. I�m not really sure why or even how, but I do know I am somewhat different. She thinks that I hold her to a higher standard than I did with the men in my life, but I think she is basing that opinion on the 16 year old SeekingME. Admittedly I have let the men in my life slack off in all areas, but over the past few years I have really tightened the reins on that and therefore it has carried over into my relationship with MyLove.

The differences I feel being with MyLove as opposed to my past relationships is that I feel somewhat immature. I feel like the scared, unsure of herself 16 year old that I was when I knew her before. I thought that I had made progress with that, but I�m thinking that maybe I was fooling myself. I am still afraid of not living up to MyLove�s expectations of me, even though those expectations may be in my own mind and not really in hers. Though she does have a higher standard of living than I am used to. She appreciates the finer things in life, more than I do. She takes more responsibility than I have for her possessions and her life in general. I do think that I can achieve these things as well, but it will take time. I do want to be that kind of person though, but I also don�t want to lose my love of the fun things in life in the process.

Now that MyLove has told me she feels I�m self-absorbed my burning question is....why does she want to be with me then? Is it that she enjoys �doing� things for the self-absorbed SeekingME that I am? Is it that she just tolerates that part of me because she loves the rest of me? And of course a new fear has been added, what if she eventually can�t tolerate that about me?

Now that I�ve got the whole self-absorbtion realization to think about, everything I do seems to point to that being true. I am constantly think about myself!! How do I make a change in myself without thinking about myself all the time?

The one instance that happened to make me ask MyLove the question in the first place was that I sneezed and she said Bless You, and then she said, she had just sneezed a few minutes earlier and I didn�t say Bless You to her. And she�s right I didn�t even hear her sneeze. I do that a lot. Is that self-absorbtion, lack of compassion, selfishness, or something else? But what about all the things that I do do? Like buying her a snickers because I know she likes them, like rubbing her back at night as she falls asleep because I know that she likes it and it relaxes her, like making coffee for her when I get up before her, like making sure I take care of her car the way she would take care of it, and not to mention being there for her dealing with her ex, and being patient and concerned about how she was handling it, are all these things I do, just to pat myself on the back? Is it wrong to want her to notice that I do these things for her? And in turn I feel that I have always acknowledged and appreciated the things that she does for me, which are many.

So I�m left with am I self-absorbed, and if so, how much? What can I do to change this? Should I try? Who the hell am I?

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