my biggest dream
2004-01-06, 9:05 a.m.

Last night I spent some time re-reading old journal entries. Boy last year was hell. I look back now and I wonder how I made it through. I am a strong person. I never realized just how strong. In the past four years, I've been through a lot of trauma:

-I watched my mother die slowly

-I nursed my ill husband back to health only to have him get some girl pregnant

-I left my husband of 12 years

-I moved out on my own for the first time

-I had my heart restarted and then broken.

-I learned how to NOT be so trusting

-I learned how to love myself.

Now, I'm ready to be a mom. I feel it burning inside of me. It's taken awhile for me to finally believe this, but I believe that MyLove is ready now too. I think she has discovered what she needed to discover about herself, and about the kind of relationship she could have had with TheExFromHell. I believe she wants me, and she wants me to have our baby.

She's been reading my journal again lately. I asked her why, and she said she wants to know what I went through. She said it gives her more of an insight into me. Personally I don't mind her reading this, as long as she never chooses to hold what I say in it against me. This is a place for me to vent, to dream, to wish, and to express myself. So far, she hasn't held anything against me. Hell, sometimes I wish I could get her to start writing in a journal.

I have to say that she has become the person I always thought that she was. She's even gone out of her way to do things for me that I know she didn't necessarily want to do. Like going to a party full of all lesbians. Like meeting some of my friends and hanging out. My dreams of our future get brighter daily now.

But my biggest dream is yet to come. The day that I give birth to our child, and I see the tears of joy stream down her face.

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