my stepdad
2004-01-07, 8:37 a.m.

MyLove tells me that now that I'm happy, my journal entries are getting boring. Unfortunately, I think she's right. Nothing like drama to spice things up.

So let's talk about something else in my life that is concerning me. My step-dad. My step dad married my mother in 1988. She was the love of his life. I can't really say it was mutual though. I know she loved him, but I also know there were times when she regretted marrying him. But they had a good relationship for the most part. He taught her how to stand up for herself, how to not let herself be taken advantage of. She in turn kept him reigned in. She managed their finances and most of all his drinking. After she became sick he tried to take care of her, but Step-dad is the kind of person who needs to be taken care of. He's not a good caretaker himself. The outcome was that he ended up neglecting to pay the bills when she couldn't, and then when she became so bad that she needed to be in a nursing home, he stopped caring about life all together. After she died, I think that he wished he could take her place.

Now, two years later, he's worse than he ever has been. He's drinking like a fish, he's gambling his money away and then hitting family up for more, he lost his job, his house, and he's a mess.

The family (three of his five kids) and I are planning to have an intervention. We want to get him into a treatment center. But at 62 years old, I just can't see him changing his ways now. It's sad to see. It's sad knowing that he wishes he was dead instead of my mom. It's sad that at 62 he isn't capable of caring for himself. It's sad that I feel guilty that I refuse to step up and take care of him. But I won't do that. I did that with my mom and now I do that with my mother's parents, my plate is full. I don't want to become his guardian. I don't want to dish out his money every month and then hear him beg for more. I can't and I won't do it.

No, noone is really asking me to do it. But I know that they wish I would. They know I did that for my mother when she was ill, so they know I have the experience so to speak. But I'm not going to do it. I've offered my help in any other way, but I think it should be one of his own children to step up to the plate. Hopefully one will.

So that's whats weighing on my mind right now. But I'm actually proud of myself. I'm proud that I didn't succumb to my guilt. I'm happy that I've become a strong enough person not to let that happen. Yeah its nice to be helpful in life, but there comes a time when you have to love yourself enough to know when to say enough.

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