Craving some space and challenges
2005-01-06, 8:55 a.m.

Well to top off my shitty shitty morning I just typed this really long and heartfelt entry and lost it. Dammit!!!

My morning started off badly at 3:00 a.m. when I was awakened with extremely bad stomach cramps. Finally, by 3:30 a.m. I was able to get back to sleep. Not five seconds later, or so it seemed, and the alarm clock was blaring. I literaly crawled out of bed, the whole time trying to think of some reason not to go to work. Yet I got in the shower, got my shit together and headed out the door.

I got to the bus stop, just in time to se my bus drive off. Luckily there was another bus right behind the first. I jumped out of the car and ran towards the bus. In my haste, I managed to trip and fall face first into a snow bank about five feet from the bus. I looked up just to see the bus start to pull away. I managed to gather myself up and flag him down. What the hell is wrong with a bus driver who can clearly see that a woman was running wildly towards him, trips and falls, and he's going to just leave? What is wrong with this picture?

But I digress, I finally get on the bus, cold, wet, bruised, and embarrassed. I sit down and close my eyes. However, relaxation eludes me as there are three very very very loud men talking to each other as if they were screaming across the Grand fucking Canyon. I am so not exaggerating either. I so wanted to say something to them, but having just fallen on my face in the snow, my confidence was rather low.

I finally managed to doze off just in time to get back off the bus and trudge the three city blocks to work. I walked in and my boss's boss was waiting for me. He directed me to fill in for cashier and now here I sit. It's not so bad though, it's quiet, and secluded in here.

I'm finding it hard to stay motivated at work. I need more challenges, I need something new. It's so hard to get up and come in and enjoy my day anymore. I want to go back to school, but I'm scared. I'm scared I won't have the time, the energy, or the money. But then I tell myself, other people do it. They suffer and they struggle and they do it. But I don't know if I have it in me. And, I really don't have a burning desire to be something specific. I don't what I want to be. I guess I'm just feeling restless and bored. I can't see doing this same job day in and day out for the next 17 years! Ugh!

Eagle and I fought all day through email yesterday. I'm losing my patience with her more and more. I told her that she has GOT to start taking my feelings into consideration more before she starts flapping her lips. It's as if she wants to find every flaw I have and stretch it and bend it to make it bigger than life. It's driving me insane. Not to mention that trying to please her is becomming quite impossible. Her needs, moods, wants, desires, change every nanosecond and there's no fucking way I can keep up. I'm bending over backwords and doing back flips to try and please her and it's pissing me off. So fuck it, my new philosphy is I'm going to start doing what I want, when I want, and she can just deal with it. She's gonna get pissy no matter what, so I might as well do what I want in the meantime.

I did tell her in some of my emails yesterday that she has really got to take this seriously because I'm starting to get to the end of my limit and she does not want that to happen. I know myself well enough to know that when I get to that point, I'm done. I can walk away and not feel guilty and not look back. I don't want to do that. I really really don't, but I don't want to live like this anymore either. I can't stand that her moods have to set the tone for my daily life. It sucks and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. Period. I told her that it's always her feelings, her anger, her wants, her needs, her desires that dictate our relationship, but fuck that, I'm pissed and she needs to wake up and see it or she's gonna lose me. By the time I got home, it seemed that my message had sunk in somewhat. She was more attentive, more patient, and she even went upstairs and let me have the downstairs t.v. to watch my show, "Lost" that she hates.

I've been really craving some independence. I did not realize just how much I would miss it sometimes. With her not working, we spend every single minute together when I'm not at work. That's not healthy for any relationship, yet she has nowhere to go, and I don't want to go anywhere after work. So there we are staring at each other day in and day out. We need a break from each other once in awhile.

Okay I'd better get some work done. I'm truly hoping this day gets better and ends soon.

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