Let go and let God
2005-01-12, 8:51 a.m.

I'm really convinced now that I have some type of arthritis. It's getting bad, and it's scaring me. First it was my right thumb aching and hurting, then it moved into the middle of my right hand, and now it is in the right side of my right hand. It's very painful and stiff. I'm too young for this.

On the Eagle front things are better. She was much better yesterday then she has been in a few days. However, after a nice relaxing evening, no fights, no drama, as I was rolling over to sleep she started in. She was angry because I plan to go to meeting tonight for the Course In Miracles. I had told her yesterday that I wanted to go tonight and she was welcome to come along. Well, she said that she's having too bad of a week for me to go off and go to a meeting. I was livid. I was also very sad. I told her that she has got to let me have my life. She cannot control every aspect of it. I need to do something right now to help myself. After two hours of fighting, screaming, crying, she stopped. I'm not sure if she finally understood, or she just forced herself to stop, but she did.

I told her that she does not realize how close to the edge of losing this relationship she is. I told her that I don't want to leave her, I want this to work, but I can't sacrifice myself for this relationship. I deserve better. I know she has problems which can't always be controled, but she has got to do something. Anything.

Finally after much crying on both our parts, she said she would go with me to the group, that "her ways" aren't working anymore, and she'll give my ways a try.

I hope that she means this. I hope that she understands the severity of this situation. All I know is, I can't take much more. I truly cannot.

Yesterday was the first time in a while that I saw the old Eagle. The cloak of anger/sadness was gone from her eyes and she actually smiled. Granted a few hours later she behaved like a spoiled child again, but at least there are glimpses of her coming through again. But the more this happens, the harder my heart gets, and the more difficult it becomes to melt it.

I really need to go to this meeting tonight. I need to find my center again. My patience is at an all time low. My hope meter is malufunctioning. I feel lost and unsure of myself and I hate that. I need to regroup and in the past turning toward my spirituality has always helped. I cannot forget that.

I am going to let go of all this chaos in my head and in my life and send up to the universe to deal with because I'm tired and I'm not doing very good job of handling it anyway. Let go and let God. That is what I need to do.

last - next