Very long entry
2005-01-18, 9:05 a.m.

Well as is the norm, I got a precious 5 hours of sleep last night. Damn I have got to stop that shit.

Anyway, this weekend was not so great. It started out pretty good, but Saturday night after having spent a great Friday night, and all day Saturday together with no fights or disagreements, no nothing; Eagle decided to write me a note that complained about how much I ignored her and she was sick of it. Well I was floored. Here I'd gone out of my way not to ignore her, to make sure this was a great weekend for once and BAM she hits me with this shit again anyway. I lost it. I tried to talk to her about it reasonably, but she was having NONE of it. So the rest of Saturday night, and all day Sunday was spent in tense silence with intermittent angry outbursts by one or the other of us. It was awful. Finally, Monday morning was a holiday, so I was off. Anyway, I got up and tried to be nice and let this go, but the first thing out of her mouth was, "why didn't you put your arm around me this morning?" and I just burst in to tears. I told her I can't keep doing this. We fought for about an hour, but finally, miracuously she broke and realized what I was trying to say. I told her that if she wasn't willig to compromise on the amount of attention, conversation, attached at the hip days, that she needs from me, then we are never going to make it. I said I give and give and give of myself and she just wants more. I can't take it.

Whether she really sees my point of view I'm not sure, but she stopped. We made up and ended up having a great day. Unfortunately it was my last day off!

Don't think that I haven't been looking at myself with a microscope lately either. I know that not all her complaints are made up. So I've been looking within and trying to see if I see what she's talking about. In some cases I do see. Such as when I am engrossed in a television show, or a book, or even trying to figure something out on the computer, I do tend to tune out my surroundings. But I can't help that. I am not a multi-tasker. I need to focus my attention on the task at hand or I don't comprehend, or retain information. I tried to explain this to her, and she seems to understand, but it doesn't matter to her. She wants my attention when she wants it, or she's not happy. I pointed this out to her on Monday and I think she finally "gets" that it's not about her. If she needs my attention, and I'm tuned out, then she needs to tap my shoulder and tell me what she needs to say or whatever. And to keep in mind that when I'm tuned out, I'm not ignoring her, I'm just concentrating. I think she's starting to get that.

The other complaint she has is that I don't clean the condo enough. I seriously have been looking at that one and I find that I do clean quite a bit. Every night I put the dishes away from the dishwasher and then clean the kitchen after dinner. I put all the laundry away. I clean the bedroom. On the weekends, I end up vaccuuming, taking out the trash, and any other special projects that need to be done. I also regularly mop the kitchen and bathroom floors, clean the toilets, and sinks. I pointed this out to her, and of course she gets indignant and starts saying "I don't wanna start listing everything we each do, blah blah blah" I said why not? If it'll satisify to you that I actually do keep up this place, then why not? Well it's because then she wouldn't have anything to bitch about when she feels like bitching. Besides it's not what I do, or the amount I do, it's that I don't do it when SHE wants me to do it. A good example of this happened on Saturday. We got up and were drinking our coffee. She then asks me to take a look at her palm pilot because something wasn't working right. So I did. I got involved in trying to upudate the drivers, synchronize it with the computer, etc, and suddenly she's pissed because in the meantime she got up and started cleaning. She was mad at me because I wasn't helping. What??? That is what I'm talking about. You asked me to do something, I do it, then you decide in your own head I should be doing something else, and then get pissed when I don't read your mind and clue in.

So yeah, I've been looking into myself and for the most part, I don't see what horrible things that are in there to cause her such grief. I told her that yesterday too. I said based on all the stories I've heard about her past relationships, she's got it pretty made with me and instead of trying to knitpick this apart, she needs to start focusing on the positives of this relationship. I think I got through to her.

In great news, her parents have decided that I do not make enough to support us both with all Eagle's many needs, and are going to supplement our monthly income. How great is that? Now don't get me wrong, a part of me feels like a failure for not being able to "support" my family, but in reality, Eagle is very high maintenance and she needs a lot of stuff that cost money. And her parents know this. So their offer is great and I'm not going to complain one bit.

In more deeper thoughts, I've noticed one thing within me that I'd like to work on. I don't seem to be able to think any really deep thoughts. I mean I read an article the other day and in it said that sometimes if a book is really really good, you'll walk away with a line from it you'll never forget. And I thought to myself, I can't remember one line out of any of the books I've ever read. Hell half the time, I don't even remember the book a week after I've read it. It just seems that I don't look very deeply into things and I'd like to. So that is something I want to work on. Or at least look at and see if it really is something I should be working on.

The other dramatic thing that happened this weekend is the all out dramafest between my step sisters. And of course Eagle had a part in it. See my stepsister M, moved out of her sister's house into our place. There were many good reasons why this should have happened and those reasons were explained to the other sister, but she decided that it was a conspiracy against her. She sent a snippy email and Eagle got involved despite my protests. Well soon another sister was involved and suddenly its now a big thing and it pisses me off. It pisses me off for many reasons, but I told Eagle that I appreciate her lookig out for my sister M, but that she had no business getting involved; and even if she was to get involved she should not have sent the bitch email she sent to the other sister, especially after both M and I warned her of what would happen. So now it's world war 3 in the family. It sucks, but I know it will eventually get better. But I told Eagle last night that from now on she nees to listen to me when it comes to my family. I know she was just trying to help, but this didn't have to turn out this way. Eagle did end up sending an apology email, but I'm not really sure that will have much affect at this point. We'll just have to see.

Well...this was one hell of an entry huh? Overall I'm doing good. I wish that things with Eagle and I could iron out and be less stressful, but I suppose in time that will happen. I still love her very much, and I'm still "in love" with her, but sometimes I really hate her. And I don't like those feelings, but I can't help it. When she's acting like a spoiled child I have to force myself to be nice and lately that's getting harder and harder and I end up bitching at her more and more. But I have not given up hope. I'm stubborn like that sometimes.

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