Second good day
2005-01-21, 8:41 a.m.

Well another good night was had. Though this morning I am so tired I can barely see straight. And, I forgot my damn glasses so I now see crooked and blurry! Ugh.

So last night, we got home and I saw that Eagle had rearranged the furniture. It looked really great so I made a big production of how great it looked and she really appreciated it. Then she asked me if I could untangle all the cords for the computer and hook up the cable to the t.v. So, I spent about a half an hour doing just that. Afterwards I reminded Eagle that she said she wanted to practice the keyboards. I said, "besides if you practice the keyboards, then I can watch my show 'Lost.'" She gave me flack jokingly (so I thought) about the comment. Anyway, she did hand me the remote and told me to go ahead and watch my show.

We could have gotten into a little bit of a fight earlier. We had ordered pizza and she had the money to give to the guy. Then SisterM took some money out of her pocket and offered to chip in. Well it flustered Eagle so much to have to try and figure out how much to take from SisterM that she got frustrated. So I stepped in, made the decisions and all was set. Except that then Eagle got mad because she felt that I was "walking on eggshells." I said I wasn't. I stepped in, solved the dilemma and all was well. She got really really aggitated for a moment, for a reason I couldn't really figure out. So instead of pursuing trying to understand it, I just told her her to drop it and move on. Which we did. I felt my anger rise, but then I thought, what am I mad at? Her inability to understand? Her frustration? Why take that on myself? So I let the anger go, and remained calm.

Later she mentioned to me that she was hurt when I said that I wanted her to practice her keyboard so that I could watch me show. I explained to her that it was a joke, not meant to hurt her, but that what would be wrong with us each doing separate things that we enjoy? She started to get mad again, I said that I was sorry for hurting her feelings, that was not my intent, but she needs to realize it was just a joke. This time, she dropped it.

After dinner Eagle suggested that we watch a movie that came in from Netflix. So we put the movie in. A little while into it Eagle started talking about how we need to set time aside every night to talk about "family business" such as bills, budget, decisions, etc. I started to get the feeling that she was trying to say that once again, we don't do enough together. Keep in mind I made a very very concious effort all night long to keep up conversation, pay close attention to what she was saying, doing, etc., respond appropriately, and try to remain calm and not let her affect my mood. So when she started the same old complaint of us not doing things together again, I felt the anger rise, but again I remained calm. I did say, "I feel like we've talked alot this evening." And she agreed. So I left it at that.

I swear it is just that she can't stand whatever is going on in her own head sometimes that whatever is happening outside of her had has got to be the problem...or so she wants to believe. So we could be sitting on the beach, drinking mai tai's, not a care in the world and in that moment, she would find SOMETHING to complain about. I'm starting to understand it. And I actually think she is starting to see it to. But I know that when you've been a certain way your entire life, it's damn hard to change it. It just takes reminding, patience, and determination.

She also started keeping a journal/log of her daily activities, her observations of me, and her feelings. She records them very impartially, with no emotion. Just the facts. She showed me the last few days, and asked for my input. I think it's a good idea, it will help her to see the reality of her world, so she can go back and read that we did do something together, or we did discuss this, etc.

My mood is better today. I'm so glad that it's Friday though. I'm still weary from the fighting we've done. It's still so hard not to tiptoe around her. We had that discussion again last night. She saying she doesn't want me to walk on eggshells, but just during the discussion of that she got angery and frustrated. I said, "look at how you are right now, just disucssing this." "How am I supposed to feel relaxed in saying whatever I want, when we can't even discuss this without you getting angry." It's like she doesn't even hear what she's saying. But she's trying.

All in all, we had a really good night, and thats two in a row.

I have to say, through all of the ups and downs of this relationship lately. I don't want anyone from my past back. If there's anything I crave, it's singlehood. I'd like to go back to only having to worry about my feelings everyday. I wish that this relationship could eventually evolve into one where I don't have to be so concerned about someone else's mood, to that point that it rules my life. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But she is trying. It sucks that every person I've been with has had to "fix" something about themselves that directly relates to me.

My ex-husband was a sex addict who couldn't keep it in his pants. My ex-girlfriend was still in love with her ex and couldn't reconcile it. And now here's Eagle with some major personality issues that affect me so directly that I fear I might go insane sometimes. But the difference is....My Exhusband never did stop his behavior (I just learned to live with it); My ex-girlfriend never could give up her other love; but Eagle, she struggles every single day to become the person who can treat me good consistently. Everyday she tries. I have to give her that. I truly do.

What is it that I did in a past life to deserve all of this though? I know it can't be from this life because I have grown up bending over backwards to please people. I truly don't have a mean bone in my body. Yet, EVERY person I've been in love with has been mean to me. Has been off balance in some way, shape, or form. What did I do to deserve this? Why can't Eagle just be the wonderful, loving person that she is sometimes....all the time? What is my lesson in all of this? I don't know, but I'm tired of learning. I want to graduate from the school of hard knocks and just be happy.

Hopefully that will happen with Eagle. I truly hope it will, because despite what she believes sometimes, I truly do love her with all my heart. But I'm old enough to realize that life is short. I don't have forever to wait.

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