Optimism is flowing
2005-01-20, 3:35 p.m.

Wow. Finally back up and running. So today I'm feeling much better, much more hopeful. Last night Eagle and I had a really great talk. I told her how I'm feeling and I told her that I realize she has fears, frustrations, anger, etc, but she cannot keep taking them out on me. If she does, I won't be able to handle it.

I told her that I'm slipping into a depression like I've never had, and I don't like it. We agreed that it seems like she builds up her fears and anxieties throughout the day and when I get home, it is impossible for me to break through them. She ends up feeling like we're fighting and gets her defenses up even though we never had a disagreement. I asked her to see how that could seem so futile to me to keep trying day after day to come home and be warm and loving to someone who is so cold and angry. I flat out said, "it's hard to love someone who is treating you like shit."

Anyway I think we had a great talk and as I drifted off to sleep she whispered in my ear to remind her of that moment tomorrow when she sounds scared, irritated, angery, whatever. Remind her of the love she does feel from me when she relaxes and allows it to flow.

So this morning I got up and wrote in dry erase marker a huge love note on the bathroom mirror. She sounded more relaxed all day long.

I'm trying to be more (yes even more) patient with her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to roll over and let her say mean or untrue things to me. But if I can penetrate her defenses when she's guarded, I can bring her back from that edge of anger and fear. When we're both not hanging on to our defenses the energy and love that flows between us is awesome and in that moment it is impossible not to be hopeful for our future.

Last night after my counseling I was more depressed. My counselor, who is normally very optimistic, basically spelled it out for me. Based on what I know about Eagle and her past, she may never get any better. That's a depressing thought. But it also motivates me to do more, whatever it takes, to make sure that she does get better.

No, no, no, I'm not going to give up my life and live like that forever. If she truly did not get better, I would end it. I think that she would even understand. She has said herself that sometimes she wishes that I had never met her, for my sake.

But for now, hope is still at hand and optimism is flowing through me once again.

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