Stomach Flu?
2005-01-25, 9:14 a.m.

I'm here. I don't feel well at all. I feel nauseous and my stomach aches. Blah.... I wonder if I might be coming down with the stomach flu. I haven't had that in at least 10 years.

I was thinking about it the other day, I rarely get sick. Maybe a cold every other year or so, but even when I get sick it doesn't last long. I wonder if I have a strong immune system, or is it my positive attitude? Maybe a combination of both.

Last night was good. Eagle and I talked about her feelings about the fact that she can't have her name on any assets if she gets SSI disability. That is probably what is getting to her the most. But I told her that in the big picture, that doesn't matter. If she needs their assistance, then she has to follow the rules.

I still wish she would not apply for it and actually get a job and keep it. But I've witnessed her mood swings long enough to know, that until she gets a handle on it, then she could never keep a job. Bosses don't take too kindly to calling in because you're sad, or moody, or whatever.

Sometimes I forget that she has a mental illness and I want to just tell her to snap out of it. But she does have a mental illness and she can't just snap out of it like most people. It's really hard for me to identify with. I may get down for a day or two but it seems as if her day is dictated by how she wakes up in the morning.

Yesterday she woke up crabby. I could hear it in her voice. She snapped at me, and hung up on me, and I let it go. I emailed her and told her that I'm sorry she's feeling frustrated right now, but its not an excuse to treat me badly. She calmed herself down and, although she still sounded very crabby, she did not snap at me anymore.

By the time she came to pick me up from work, she had worked herself into quite the tizzy. But I was proud of myself, I continued to remind myself that this was her issue, not mine. That way I was able to comfort her and not have my hackles up. It really helped. I felt her relax almost as soon as my arms were around her. She cried a little, then talked some more, and we had a nice evening.

My biggest challenge in this relationship is to not let her moods affect mine. Some days I do really great, other days not so good. When I feel that flash of anger strike through me sometimes, I just can't help it. I lose it. I get so mad sometimes I feel like I want to break something, or scream, or even beat the shit out of her. That's a very odd feeling for me. I've never experienced rage like that before. I'm learning to harness it. I think its more natural then to never feel that fury. I must have buried it all under many years of keeping quiet, not speaking my mind, and just rolling over. So I guess it's healthy in some ways to be expressing anger when I need to, but I truly need to get a grip on it.

I did some research on Borderline Personality Disorder. While I do believe that Eagle has symptoms of it, I'm not sure that she truly is BPD. She is too aware of her condition, and at times too loving, giving, nurturing. I think that the majority of her issues stem from the traumatic events that happened to her as a child and through her teen years. She learned to cope from her parents who were heavy drinkers. Hell she started drinking at 12. They say that your maturity level stops at the point you started drinking heavily, and doesn't start maturing again till after you're sober. So I think a lot of her issues are just immaturity, lack of coping mechanisms, and sometimes she resorts to crying and tantrums for lack of a better coping mechanism. Add to that her ADD, chronic depression or bipolar, and cravings for the alcohol and drugs she numbed herself with and it all adds up to someone who is actually doing pretty good despite it all. She has her bad days, that is for damn sure, but she also has her good days.

And on her good days she treats me better than anyone ever has. She downright spoils me at times. No, I'm not saying that its okay for her treat me bad on her bad days, but I am saying that I don't need to be pampered and spoiled on those days, just so long as she can learn not to direct her anger and frustration at me. That I can't handle, nor will I tolerate.

Okay I've got work to do now. My stomach is feeling a little better, lets hope it goes away all together soon.

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