Hypervigilant maybe?
2005-01-27, 8:43 a.m.

Well for the most part we had another great night. All was going really well until Eagle decided to have a drink. Now for the past few months I have not said anything about her having a drink now and then. She has been very responsible (surprisingly) about it and limits herself to 1 or 2. But last night she seemed to be kind of manic anyway, and when she filled up her glass for the third time I had a problem with it. She noticed my change in mood and asked me what was wrong. All I said was, "I think you're drinking too much." Period. Well of course that is a very sore spot to her, so she got hurt. But she let it go for the moment.

We truly had a beautiful night before and even after that moment. She cooked a great meal, we watched American Idol, she showered me with love and told me how truly happy she was and that she is realizing that she can have the happy life she never thought was possible. She was jovial, laughing, funny, witty, and so was I. We bantered back and forth all night like we had been together for a lifetime.

Finally we went upstairs to bed and this is when she told me that I had upset her with my comment. I told her that I can't help how I feel. She is an addict and technically she should not be drinking at all. I told her that the last five or six times I have not said anything about it because she appeared to be drinking "responsibly." But tonight she made me nervous. She got very defensive and told me I didn't know what I was talking about and stormed into the bathroom.

A few minutes later, she came out, put her arms around me and told me she loved me and she was sorry. Although she didn't come out and say that she agreed with me and my assessment of the drinking, I did feel that she understood what I was saying, and absorbed that information.

I cannot be the Alcohol Police. It's not practical, and its not the role I want to play. I've told her that if she chooses to drink, then she chooses to drink. She knows the dangers in that, as well as I do. I also told her that it'll only take one time for her to get obnoxiously drunk and that might be enough for me to walk out. Even if she's not mean. I cannot stand obnoxious drunks, and I don't want to live with one, that's my choice.

I've never been with someone with this disease before. I don't know if I'm overreacting. All I do know is that ALL the literature I've read about alcoholism says, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, and they cannot have even one drink. Period. So that is where I'm coming from. Granted over the past few months, I've seen that it "appears" that she can drink one or two drinks now and then and be okay. But there's a nagging, underlying fear, in me every time she does.

But it goes back to what kind of role I'm willing to play. I can be supportive, I can be tough, I can be loving, but I refuse to be her police. If she is going to choose to have a drink, then that is her choice. I just have to keep reminding her that I don't have to like that choice....and she has to accept that.

But I am sitting here in the light of day feeling kind of foolish. We had a wonderful night, a beautiful past few days, she did not get drunk, she has not "abused" alcohol in six months or more despite having had drinks on different occassions. Am I just being hypervigilant? Am I overreacting? Am I subconciously wishing she would fuck up? I don't know. But I do feel a bit foolish today. And sorry. I'm sorry that I felt the need to tell her how I felt about her drinking last night, when I really don't have anything tangible to point to in support of my feeling. Yet on the other hand, I do not want to give her my approval of her drinking. It's sort of a catch-22 I guess.

But enough about Eagle. How am I today? I'm good. I wish it was Friday though. I had a hard time falling asleep last night so I'm very tired today. I did not get up early enough to ride the health rider, though they say you should do it every other day anyway. I'm excited about the weekend. Eagle and I have a "date" planned. We're going to the RV and Camper show (no laughing), and then out to dinner. It's been awhile since we've done something like that. I'm looking forward to it.

Well I guess I should get back to work.

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