Long entry about the good and bad of Eagle
2006-01-30, 3:51 p.m.

I'm here and everything is fine. I'm just kinda down lately. Part of it is definitely hormonal. The other part, sounds like a teenage boy's complaint, but it's lack of sex. I've gotten more sex in the past few weeks then I have in the past few months, but I want/need more. Once every week or two is just not enough. But you know me...always feeling guilty for wanting/needing something. But not to worry, I have made my wishes be known to Eagle, trust me SHE KNOWS! But I can't really MAKE her do it, I mean come on, who wants to have sex with someone who's forced, besides some sickos in the world. Eagle and her doctors have both confirmed that her lack of sex drive has a lot to do with her meds. I know that, I understand that, but I'm still feeling frustrated by it.

Other than that, I'm good. We're good. We're both anxiously waiting for the end of this court stuff. Still not sure what the outcome will be. I just want to be done with it.

Eagle and I have been getting a long wonderfully for many months now. I can't hardly explain the ease with which we live day to day with each other. Yes, I wish she would get and keep a job, but that simply for the monetary aspect of it. Yes, she smokes too much pot still. But other than those two things...she's great. She doesn't even taken ephedra anymore.

Oh I forgot to say that on Friday when she went to Court, basically things were postponed until the prosecutor had a chance to review the file. But in the meantime the judge ordered her to attend five AA meetings a week. And frankly, I'm glad he did that. So she's got a list of some local gay friendly meetings and is planning to go.

So, to sum it up, I need more sex and more money...but everyday Eagle shows me how much she loves me, we enjoy each other's company, we do things for each other, we share, we laugh, we cuddle, we kiss, we tell each other how much we love each other...every single day.

So once again I have this 90% awesome relationship....with a 10% that's kind of lacking. Frankly that's pretty good. I don't know. I feel like people think I'm crazy for sticking through this, whereas other people think I'm courageous and honorable. What does it really matter what other people think though huh?

So yeah, I think that a 90% good relationship should be honored with a commitment ceremony, what's wrong with that? Nothing, that's what. I'been with her for nearly two years now, and it's only gotten better, what reason do I have to think that it will suddenly get worse? I don't. All evidence points toward the positive, not the negative.

If I can be happy even without the quantity of sex and money I want...which I am happy most of the time...then what more do I want?

I'm rambling I know, but I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe I've tainted so many people's opinions of Eagle that people cannot see how I could POSSIBLY be happy with her. And that makes me sad because she is a good person. She has her problems, but hell I don't think I'd be happy in a relationship that was perfect, I NEED something to fix.

I found that something similar happened in "real life" but slowly people who have gotten to know her and seen in her, what I see and that makes me feel better, but knowing that my on-line support system will never get that chance saddens me.

Let me just say this. I love Eagle and over all I am happy with her and if I was not, I would leave her. But she has given me more than anyone prior to her has. Could I have more? Sure who couldn't? But do I feel lucky to have what I have? Yes I do. Very lucky.

I hope no one takes this as being snotty, I did not write it feeling snotty, just sad. I want people both in my "real" life and my "on-line" life to like the one that I love. Is that so wrong? But I know that it's hard when my journal is often my vent space so you really don't get to see the person that Eagle is. I've tried as of late to state more of the positive stuff she and I have, but those entries rarely get any notes or emails, just the bad ones, and that's human nature I suppose.

Anyway, enough said, that's it. I love you all for feeling so protective over me, it really is a great feeling.

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